WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount to a hill of rosary beads.
The “cool pope” would never do such an uncool thing as meet with that woman, the county clerk who went to jail rather than issue marriage licenses to gay couples, would he? The “cool pope” isn’t opposed to same-sex marriage, is he? Why, that would make the “cool pope” just a multilingual Rick Santorum in a white dress. There must be a good reason (or several of them) for why that meeting took place by mistake—or for why it never occurred at all. Here, we’ll give you some. Take two or three if you need them.
10. The Holy Father thought she was the cleaning lady, and because he was in a good mood and he had some rosaries left over, he gave her one.
9. The devil made him do it.
8. Francis never even saw Kim Davis because there were seventy other people in the room, all of whom are taller than she is.
7. His Holiness thought he was meeting Jill Biden because he had heard someone say, “Her husband’s name is ‘Joe.’”
6. Francis was wearing his clear-lens, no-magnification glasses—because the frames go better with his purple-velvet-lined cape— and therefore he couldn’t see a damn thing.
5. Kim Davis looks much older in person than she does in her Facebook picture.
4. Why isn’t anybody talking about the fact that no doves were killed at this “alleged” meeting?
3. She was wearing a burka.
2. Francis figured she was there to help with the foot washing.
1. The pontiff mistook her for his second cousin, Angelina, an Argentinian drug mule.
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