Wednesday, June 12, 2024

God “Sick and Tired of Being Everybody’s Damn Witness”

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HEAVEN–The Lord God Almighty has had it up to his Charlton Heston-like brow with people who say “as god is my witness” when they want to underscore a statement or a threat.

“Have you any idea how many times a day some fool who is overwrought, argumentative, drunk, or all three, calls on me to witness on his behalf?”

Without waiting for an answer the Heavenly Father continued.

“I didn’t think you did. Just let me say the number is great beyond reckoning, and you wouldn’t believe the stupid things people expect me to witness. Kenny Rogers trying to get with some woman, mothers threatening to take away their kids’ iPads, guys in bars trying to win a sports argument, everybody and his no-account brother-in-law drags me into the conversation as though we’re on a first-name basis and he’s got me on speed dial.”

Tossing his leonine mane impatiently, the King of Kings declared, “This drek has got to stop.”

A legal source close to the Lord God of Hosts says that calling on god to be your witness in a non-faith-related matter is a lesser form of taking the lord’s name in vain, “a misdemeanor, not a felony, to be sure,” but an actionable matter nonetheless.

“The Boss is not inclined to get involved in human affairs, no matter how badly some people need to think otherwise. He gave folks the universe, the bible, and Google. What more do they expect?”    

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