WILMINGTON, De.–The Lord God of Hosts is more than a little frustrated by his ninth-place standing in the twelve-team Wilmington, Delaware, North fantasy football league. At the midpoint of the 2013-14 season, the Heavenly Father’s IntelligentDesigners team is 2-6 in league competition.
“We could just as soon be winless if it weren’t for a couple Hail Mary plays,” said god. “I can’t be depending on miracles to win games. That isn’t how this league or the world works.”
According to the general manager and coach of the league-leading Corporate Raiders, the IntelligentDesigners have been hobbled by a poor draft, “incoherent” line-up changes, and a failure to take advantage of the league’s waiver wire, where quarterback Nick Foles was available last week.
“Who saw Nick Foles coming?” asked The Lord God Almighty, who competes under the pseudonym DeAndre Danger. “He went up in flames like Joan of Arc when the Eagles played Dallas. Then he throws for seven touchdowns against the Raiders two weeks later. Go figure. I didn’t think he had a prayer.”
God said he chose the Wilmington league “because I like Delaware’s relaxed registration and disclosure laws, which allow me to compete incognito. I wouldn’t want other players to think I had some special advantage they didn’t have, and I wouldn’t want them trying to get on my good side by trading away their best players to me.”
The Heavenly Father’s poor track record and his victimization in a Tony Romeo-for-Mark Sanchez trade earlier this year should go a long way toward keeping his identity a secret.
“The IntelligentDesigners have shown little intelligence and less design,” said Gerry ‘The Rat’ Capano, owner of the second-place FamilyValues team. “DeAndre Danger seems to have a real preference for drafting players of marginal talent who point to the sky after scoring a touch–
down or throwing a touchdown pass.”
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.