philmaggitti, Author at Postcards from The Pug Bus

WNBA fights erupt on the court as two players confront each other, teammates gather around, and excited fans cheer from the crowded stands.

Attendance was up, sportsmanship was down, and Marketing called it a promising first quarter.

WNBA Fights Quietly Encouraged as League Tries to Boost Attendance

A confidential memo obtained by The Pug Bus reveals that league officials have quietly suggested encouraging WNBA fights as part of an effort to boost attendance,… Read More

Software update required: Three surreal volunteer programmers troll an icy Icelandic shoreline, maintaining an absurd open-source operating system beneath snowy mountains.

The support forum was surprisingly judgmental.

Horoscopes

🔮 Irregular Horoscopes: Software Update Required

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Introducing the software update required irregular horoscopes, the weekly exercise in pretending the cosmos has a customer service department. ♈ Aries … A pop-up appears… Read More

Wedding vows take a modern twist as a bride and groom endlessly scroll through a giant software agreement at the altar while guests wait.

Marriage lasts forever. The update takes slightly longer.

Culture

Wedding Vows Now Contain Software Update Agreements

philmaggitti cultural commentary 2 months

For centuries, wedding vows consisted of a few simple promises about love, fidelity, and remaining together until death. Legal experts now consider this “recklessly vague.”… Read More

Humorous illustration of an HOA board debating beside a Buddha statue and overflowing trash can, as the five Buddhist precepts meet suburban bureaucracy.

Inner peace. Outer violation notice.

News

Local HOA Adopts Five Buddhist Precepts, Still Can’t Agree on Trash Can Rules

philmaggitti news 2 months

The West Chester Homeowners Association has replaced its Community Standards handbook with the Five Buddhist Precepts, hoping that karma would prove a more effective deterrent… Read More

Gifted child grows up to become an ordinary middle-aged adult wearing a large academic medal on a ribbon, proudly honoring unrealized potential with deadpan dignity.

At last, a ribbon for peaking before puberty.

News

National Association of Former Gifted Children Demands Retroactive Medals

philmaggitti news 2 months

The newly formed National Association of Former Gifted Children (NAFGC) has petitioned Congress to award Retroactive Academic Valor Medals to adults who spent their childhoods… Read More

Unread Sunday Newspaper serves as a breakfast placemat beneath eggs and hash browns, its headlines stained with grease after fulfilling its true Sunday purpose.

The news can wait. Those hash browns have deadlines.

Book of Daze

Book of Daze: Unread Sunday Newspaper Day

philmaggitti bookof-daze 3 months

Unread Sunday Newspaper Day commemorates one of our most enduring acts of optimism: buying an enormous Sunday newspaper while sincerely believing there will be time… Read More

National archive exhibit of unfinished projects featuring a dusty guitar, bread machine, podcast gear, and manuscript folders displayed as treasured artifacts.

America's most complete collection of things people were definitely going to get back to.

Culture

National Archive Opens Department of Unfinished Projects

philmaggitti cultural commentary 3 months

The federal government has announced the creation of the National Archive’s Department of Unfinished Projects, a permanent repository dedicated to abandoned projects, discontinued hobbies, and… Read More

Unreturned Tupperware Day is marked by small private ceremonies: a votive candle lit on a mismatched lid,

It is better to light one little candle ...

Book of Daze

Book of Daze: Unreturned Tupperware Day

philmaggitti bookof-daze 3 months

Few holidays evoke the lingering sadness of Unreturned Tupperware Day, observed each year by people who have surrendered their best containers to neighbors, relatives, and… Read More