Friday, May 17, 2024
Ass Hats

Carron J. Phillips of Deadspin is the Asshat of the Moment

Cultural appropriator

Inspiration, like god, works in mysterious ways. Just the other day we were inspired by a piece we saw on the Deadspin website, not a place where a person usually goes for inspiration. This piece, obviously written by a  knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, shit-flinging, mother-loving, liberal mungwad, featured the inspiring headline: “Players and recruits shouldn’t trust Kim Mulkey, who was useless when it came to Brittney Griner. No one should sign up to play for her after all of this.”

The mungwad in question answers to the name Carron J. Phillips. He is a sports, race, and social issues columnist . . . i.e., a white-person-hating race hustler. We will not insult Herr Phillips by suggesting other names by which he might be called. We would, however, like to present him with an Asshat of the Moment award, and to thank him for providing this inspiration: ten other folks who did not do enough to get Brittney Griner’s anthem-disrespecting, domestic-violence-committing, lesbian ass out of jail.

Bob Ross . . . famously Bob never included people in his paintings. So he never included black people in them either, which is even worse. Obviously he wouldn’t have done enough to help Brittney even if he could have. The racist prick.

Kanye . . . a self-loathing black man posing as a White supremacist posing as a self-loathing black man. Perhaps if Brittney didn’t dress like a cartoon character and have more tats than a drunken sailor with bad taste and a stolen credit card on shore leave–or if she appeared in porn–Kanye might have asked his boy Trump to pull some strings.

Greta sees first penis.

Greta Rin-Tintin Eleonora Ernman Thunberg  . . . the poster girl for Assperger’s syndome, famoously groused on her podcast “All Things Greta All the Time” about Brittney Griner’s “huge carbon footprint” resulting from her flying back and forth to Russia to play hoops. Would have preferred that Griner walk at least part of the way home.

Hillary Clinton . . . instead of working to free Brittney, Madame Never President never missed an opportunity to remind people that “the back channel connections that I forged with Russia while I was secretary of state have not received the recognition they should have received in these negotiations.”

Kyrie Irving . . . wah? You mean the bitch, I mean “the sister,” ain’t Jewish? Fo shizzle? C’mom, man, next thing you’ll be telling me the Earth is round. Like true dat!

Steve Goncalves . . . the “Huffington Post’s” father of the year (recently murdered, dodgy-looking,  possibly lesbian daughter category) claims he tried to send an email of support to Brittney but “those Moscow police cowards [screwed it up].” Has not ruled out the suing the U.S. government for not sharing with him their plans to bring Brittney home. Says he will do more for Brittney “as soon as I solve this case.”

Elon Musk . . . offered to donate Teslas to all of Brittney’s Russian teammates, then shat on that gesture by announcing that he would not suspend the Twitter accounts of people who said the government should have left her “black, lesbian, country-hating ass” in jail.

Gutfeld! . . . the pocket-size jokester remained comfortably in the pocket with Tyrus protecting both of Gutfeld’s blindsides. Some of G!’s best shots caromed off the helmets of his offensive linemen.

Kamala Harris . . . in her defense it must be said that Harris has never done enough to make any situation better during her entire “career” in public “service.” Count on her to spin it positively of she hasn’t done so already.

Pope Francis . . . “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Yada, yada, yada. Amen.”

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