Irregular Horoscopes: Cancellation Notices From the Universe
For reasons known only to celestial management, the universe has begun issuing formal cancellation notices. Some events have been postponed, others have been discontinued, and several were apparently approved by an intern who no longer works here. We regret any inconvenience. Actually, we don’t. Please review the following notices regarding your fate.
😤 Aries … Your scheduled victory lap has been canceled because of insufficient evidence of victory. Management encourages you to complete a task before celebrating it.
😌 Taurus … The comfort zone expansion project has been discontinued. You have enlarged it to the size of a small nation, and zoning officials are concerned.
🤔 Gemini … Today’s argument will be canceled after both sides accidentally make excellent points. This will leave everyone deeply unsettled.
🥺 Cancer … Your emotional overreaction has been postponed until additional information becomes available. Try not to fill the waiting period with speculation.
😎 Leo … The standing ovation you anticipated upon entering the room has been withdrawn. Several audience members reported they were simply looking for the restroom.
😬 Virgo … The universe regrets to inform you that perfection will not be arriving today. A replacement shipment of “close enough” is currently en route.
😵 Libra …Your decision deadline has been canceled because you were never going to meet it anyway. A committee has been formed to discuss forming another committee.
😵 Scorpio … The mysterious aura surrounding your activities has been suspended. Everyone already knows what you are doing. Mostly because you told them.
🤠 Sagittarius … Today’s spontaneous adventure has been canceled after planners discovered you had not actually planned anything beyond “see what happens.”
🧐 Capricorn … The additional responsibility you secretly hoped to avoid has been reassigned directly to you. Looks like competence still carries consequences.
🤯 Aquarius … Your revolutionary new idea has been delayed pending review by people who still struggle with email attachments.
🌙 Pisces … The fantasy in which everything somehow works out by itself has been officially discontinued. Reality will be handling your account moving forward.
Fine Print:
These cancellation notices may be modified without warning, explanation, or basic fairness. By continuing to exist, you agree to all terms and conditions, including the ones that have not been invented yet.
Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.
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