Horoscopes Archives - Page 2 of 28 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on pop culture since 2004

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Clowns or Mimes?

Marjorie Finkelstein, 64, retired dental hygienist

318 Willow Street, Scranton, PA

Mimes. At least they have the decency to suffer in silence. A clown wants you to participate in his emotional problems while he honks a horn and falls down. I spent thirty-seven years looking into people's mouths. I have had enough forced entertainment.

Raymond Bickford, 51, commercial refrigeration technician

76 Chestnut Lane, Akron, OH

Clowns. You know where you stand with a clown. He has enormous shoes, a drinking problem, and a car full of accomplices. A mime pretends to be trapped in an invisible box and expects applause. My brother-in-law has been doing that at Thanksgiving for twenty years. Nobody pays him.

Sheila Lattimore, 47, assistant county tax assessor

142 Birch Road, Des Moines, IA

Mimes, provided they remain outdoors. I once hired a clown for my daughter's birthday party. He arrived forty minutes late, smelled like gasoline, and asked whether we had a ladder. The children still talk about it. My daughter is twenty-three.

Even destiny gets another 40,000 miles if you rotate it regularly.

Horoscopes

Presenting Your Retreaded Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 2 months

Retreaded horoscopes are this week’s answer to rising celestial costs and a dire shortage of original human ehavior. Previously issued predictions have been inspected for… Read More

One previous owner. Mostly highway predictions.

Horoscopes

Your Slightly Used Horoscopes

Chip Hilton horoscopes 2 months

Presenting this week’s slightly used horoscopes. Each prediction has been issued previously to somebody else, returned for reasons that remain unclear, and placed back into… Read More

The universe cares. It found a card that says so.

Horoscopes

Presenting Your Hallmark Horoscopes

Biff Scuzzy horoscopes 2 months

The stars have apparently been bought by Hallmark. This week, Hallmark Horoscopes replace the usual warnings about money, betrayal, poor judgment, or that noise your… Read More

The eyes of T.J. are upon you.

Horoscopes

The Eyes Have It: Postmodern Horoscopes by Dr. T. J. Eckleburg

Biff Scuzzy horoscopes 3 months

Dr. T. J. Eckleburg has seen this before. A century ago, his watchful blue eyes observed the Jazz Age stagger home at dawn with champagne… Read More

Frazzled woman assembles a mysterious project on the floor, surrounded by scattered instructions, tools, and parts while attempting to build her own zodiac forecasts.

The stars promised clarity. They neglected to mention the tiny hex wrench.

Horoscopes

🔮Do It Yourself Zodiac Forecasts

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 3 months

For centuries humanity has expected the universe to explain itself periodically in zodiac forecasts fewer than 200 words with reassuring news about romance. The cosmos… Read More

Password reset horoscope illustration showing a worried astrologer staring at a laptop with a padlock icon beneath glowing zodiac symbols and a crystal ball.

Your password must now contain twelve characters, a constellation, one emotional breakthrough, and a symbol not previously used by your ancestors.

Horoscopes

Password Reset Horoscopes

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 3 months

In password reset horoscopes, the key to unlocking your destiny no longer meets the minimum security requirements. The stars apologize for any inconvenience. They recommend… Read More

Customer service horoscope illustration showing a cosmic call center where angels, aliens, and celestial agents wear headsets, answering destiny's endless support calls.

Your call is very important to the universe. Your estimated wait time is one incarnation.

Horoscopes

Zodiac Signs and Customer Service Chaos

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 3 months

This week each zodiac sign has been routed to a different department in the Cosmic Customer Service Center, where every concern is handled by someone… Read More

Mercury appears to be trapped under a rock again.

Horoscopes

Prehistoric Horoscopes & Cave Confessions

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 4 months

The discovery of prehistoric horoscopes in a cave near France is proof that humans have been making up predictions for a long time. May your… Read More