Horoscopes

Are you ready for Hillary? Oh, why the fuck not? We look to have survived our first biracial president, so maybe it’s time for our first bisexual POTUS. After that, perhaps, a gay, a trannie, … Read on

CHICAGO—Ten years ago today then-talk-show-host Oprah Winfrey celebrated her 52nd birthday by purchasing the Aquarius sign of the zodiac from the International Star Registry for an undisclosed sum reputed to be in the high eight … Read on

The notion that you share character traits with other people with whom you share a sign is a crock of shit. The people who are getting off the bus the same day you are getting … Read on

*Spoiler Alert: Whoops! Too late, but you knew he had to survive, didn’t you? Whatever . . .

Born today you share a birthday with our guest astrologer Matt Damon, and with a South American … Read on

WEST CHESTER, Penna.—Born today you share a birthday and certain disquieting tendencies with author Stephen King, 68, actor Luke Wilson, 44, and former celebrity Nicole Richie, 34. Perhaps you are also the same height as … Read on

Catmando—a mythical creature who is half human, half feline, and half baked—is famed for the bumbling accuracy with which he is able to see into the past darkly. Not content to flail around there, Catmando … Read on

Born today you share a birthday with Robby Takac, but, hey, you can do better than that. You also share a birthday with Gibby Hanes. OK. So technically that’s two-for-two in the who-the-fuck-is-he category, but … Read on

Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that herbs and spices exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Therefore Catmando is now going to describe these effects on a variety of … Read on

Born today you are strongly influenced by the House of Cinema, the ruling house in Leo. Unfortunately, the House of Cinema is a multiplex arrangement, and your fate hinges on which unmarked door of the … Read on

Some interesting celebrity birthdays will land in Catmando’s litter box this week. On Wednesday the impossibly white Steve Martin will be 67; the often impossible to understand Magic Johnson will be 53; and the impossible … Read on

The dominant birthday this week belongs to Paul McCarthy, who was born on August 4, 1945. Formally trained as a painter, Mr. McCarthy’s main interest lies … Read on

Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs.

Whatever, your chances for a normal life are … Read on

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – An iconic frontiersman, a French queen with attitude, and an odd-looking weasel are your strange, astrological bedfellows. One gave us Boonesborough, Kentucky; one gave us a cliché; and the other gave … Read on

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Born today you share a birthday—and, if you’re lucky, some birthday brownies—with rapper and human bong hit Snoop Doggy Dogg. Before you get all excited though, Skippy, you ought to know … Read on

HOLLYWOOD – Born today you share a birthday with actress Heidi Montag—at least with her original parts. A former star of The Hills, Ms. Montag has had boob jobs, nose jobs, and a brow … Read on