Horoscopes Archives - Page 2 of 24 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Sports car or pick-up truck?

Dale Droot, 58, regional grit consultant

Allegedly parked at 22 Gravel Onion Road, Muncie, IN

Pick-up truck. A sports car says you have unresolved feelings about your hairline. A pick-up says you might help someone move, then mention it for twelve years.

Tessa Clune, 46, fragrance accountability officer

Allegedly reversing carefully at 7 Lilac Spur, Reno, NV

Sports car. I respect a vehicle that announces bad judgment before the driver even opens his mouth. A pick-up truck always looks like it is late to supervise gravel.

Marlene Bix, 69, retired driveway theorist

Allegedly idling at 301 Bent Hydrangea Lane, Utica, NY

Pick-up truck for life, sports car for lunch. One moves mulch, furniture, and shame. The other moves a divorced orthodontist toward a leather jacket he cannot justify.

What's in a font?

Horoscopes

Today’s Horoscopes in the Most Popular Fonts

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

Today’s horoscopes have been formatted according to each sign’s “core personality,” a term we use loosely, since most of you have none. Please do not… Read More

FDA-style inspectors examine a zodiac wheel at a conference table, humorously reviewing astrology predictions for harmful side effects.

Federal regulators review evidence that Aries may cause excessive initiative.

Horoscopes

Harmful Side Effects Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

Astrology was invented to explain destiny. Pharmaceuticals were invented to explain harmful side effects. It was only fitting that these purveyors of vague promises and… Read More

When the cosmos offers you a theatrical limp and a strategically placed bandage, do not question the aesthetic of your own fragility.

Horoscopes

Candid Horoscopes

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

Today we present candid horoscopes. The usual cosmic claptrap has been replaced with the kind of blunt disclosure normally reserved for tax attorneys and ex‑spouses.… Read More

A woman surrounded by dozens of storage bins and totes in assorted colors and sizes bends to retrieve a lid, navigating a floor covered in open containers filled with tools, documents, CDs, and miscellaneous items — confronting the to be or not to be of household organization one bin at a time.

To be organized, or not to be organized — and the answer, apparently, is: more bins.

Horoscopes

To Be or Not to Be: Horoscopes by Shakespeare

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

To be or not to be is the question Shakespeare put to the universe in 1600, and the universe has been dodging it ever since.… Read More

Illustrated detective cork board for the Cold Case Unit featuring zodiac symbols, pinned photographs, scattered evidence notes, and intersecting red string connections surrounding a central missing file, evoking a humorous cosmic investigation atmosphere.

Forecasts missing. Detectives dispatched. Red string deployed with quiet confidence.

Horoscopes

Irregular Horoscopes: Zodiac Cold Case Unit

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

Between the stars and the home furnishing advertisements, twelve horoscopes went missing. They were last seen loitering near a constellation that has since lawyered up.… Read More

A painting in the style of Andrew Wyeth featuring a garden variety salad of fresh greens and vegetables mixed with carved zodiac symbols in a large wooden bowl on a rustic kitchen table.

Who wants to live as a garden variety salad vegetable for the rest of one’s life.

Horoscopes

Your Zodiac Garden Variety Salad Predictions

philmaggitti horoscopes 3 months

Although celestial bodies are like gigantic, garden variety vegetables floating in the dark broth of the universe, astrologers insist on linking our fates to lions,… Read More

A medical professional confronts the limits of science, astrology, and personal resilience.

Horoscopes

Today’s Fake Medical Horoscopes and Symptoms Check

philmaggitti horoscopes 4 months

Today’s Fake Medical Horoscopes cheerfully remind you that no insurance is accepted, no advice is guaranteed, and your hopes will never go up. Life is… Read More

Tested. Reviewed. Abandoned.

Horoscopes

🎬 Daily Television Horoscopes: Pilot Season Casualties

philmaggitti horoscopes 4 months

According to sometimes reliable industry sources, every life is now part of a long-running experiment in television horoscopes, with each personality pitched as a series… Read More

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly disguised as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval.

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

Read It All

There is a moment, just before sleep,
when the mind loosens its tie
and admits what it spent all day denying.

You remember the thing you said—
not the words,
but the angle of them,
how they leaned slightly wrong
and stayed there.

A life is not ruined in grand gestures.
It goes soft at the edges first.
Corners round off. Standards blur.
You start calling things “fine”
that would have once kept you awake.

Which is the problem.

Because now you do sleep.

Beautifully. Efficiently.
Like someone who has made a series of
very small, very reasonable surrenders
and arranged them into a pillow.