Zodiac Signs and Customer Service Chaos
This week each zodiac sign has been routed to a different department in the Cosmic Customer Service Center, where every concern is handled by someone who is “happy to assist you” while demonstrating no measurable interest in doing so and possessing just enough authority to make matters worse.
♈ Aries … You reach the Department of Impulse Approvals, where every reckless decision is pre-authorized before you finish describing it. The representative enthusiastically upgrades your problem to an opportunity. Unfortunately, the opportunity is identical to the original problem.
♉ Taurus … Your call is answered by Billing and Comfort Services, which explains that your recent emotional stability requires a modest monthly subscription fee. You object on principle but quietly renew before your heated blanket expires.
♊ Gemini … You are transferred repeatedly between Questions and Answers, each insisting the other department has your file. By week’s end, you possess six reference numbers, three personalities, and no resolution.
♋ Cancer … The Sentimental Archives Division informs you that every embarrassing memory has been carefully preserved for quality assurance. A supervisor compliments your emotional consistency before placing you back on hold.
♌ Leo … You arrive at Recognition Services, where an agent thanks you profusely for your patience despite the fact you have been waiting only twelve seconds. You spend the remainder of the week trying to recreate that feeling.
♍ Virgo … The Quality Control Department reports your life is operating at 98.7% efficiency. You immediately become obsessed with locating the missing 1.3%, thereby reducing overall efficiency to 84%.
♎ Libra … The Dispute Resolution Office presents both sides of every decision with impeccable fairness. After reviewing seventeen perspectives, you request additional time to consider whether to request additional time.
♏ Scorpio … Your file has been forwarded to Confidential Investigations. The representative answers every question with, “That is an interesting thing for you to ask.” You leave knowing less than when you called, which somehow feels suspicious.
♐ Sagittarius … The Adventure Claims Department approves your request for excitement but cannot guarantee comfort, punctuality, or a coherent itinerary. You happily accept the terms without reading the remaining forty-seven pages.
♑ Capricorn … You finally reach Productivity Support, where an unusually competent employee resolves your issue in under two minutes. You celebrate by opening four entirely new support tickets.
♒ Aquarius … The Innovation Help Desk congratulates you for discovering a solution no one else has considered. They also explain it is incompatible with reality’s current operating system. An update is planned eventually.
♓ Pisces … You accidentally call the Dreams and Alternate Realities Department, where every impossible plan sounds perfectly reasonable. When the line disconnects, you cannot remember whether your problem was solved or merely interpreted artistically.
Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.