Signs Your New Neighbor Is in the Witness Protection Program

The arrival of a new neighbor usually follows a familiar script. A moving truck appears, someone accidentally backs over a shrub, and within forty-eight hours the entire street has developed strong opinions about the newcomers, which usually do not include the witmess protection program.

Occasionally, however, a family arrives–like the one that recently settled into a quiet cul-de-sac outside West Chester, Pennsylvania–whose habits inspire just that  explanation.

“We enjoy neighborhoods,” explains Daniel, who did not provide a last name but immediately asked, “What do you prefer to be called?” He was not talking about pronouns.

His wife, Karen, smiled cautiously and wrote the answer in a small notebook labeled Community Preferences, which she closed before anyone could see the rest.

Conversation with the new family follows unusual grammatical rules. Every sentence remains firmly in the present tense.

“We live here. We enjoy gardening. We appreciate stability,” Daniel says.

Questions about where the family previously lived receive the equally careful reply, “We live at the old location.”

The couple’s children confirm this. Asked whether they miss their former school, one shrugged. “We attend the old location.”

Even the family dog appears committed to operational flexibility. During a neighborhood barbecue, the animal cheerfully responded to the names Baxter, Scout, and Kevin without displaying the slightest preference.

The family’s friendliness is equally distinctive. Before learning anyone’s name, Karen complimented retired accountant Martha Ellison, 68, on her “excellent memory,” despite having witnessed no evidence that Martha possessed one. Martha later admitted she spent the rest of the afternoon trying to remember whether they had met before.

The new family also waves with remarkable dedication. Every greeting carries the enthusism of people hoping multiple independent witnesses can later verify their whereabouts between 3:15 and 3:18 p.m.

Packages delivered create the greatest excitement. Whenever one arrives bearing their address, the entire family gathers on the porch wearing expressions usually reserved for lottery winners and IRS auditors.

“It is for us?” Daniel asks  last Tuesday. “That is unexpected.”

Finally, every visit concludes the same way.

“It has been nice knowing … seeing you,” Daniel says.

The neighborhood agrees they are delightful. Nobody is entirely certain they have always existed.

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