The Eyes Have It: Postmodern Horoscopes by Dr. T. J. Eckleburg
Dr. T. J. Eckleburg has seen this before. A century ago, his watchful blue eyes observed the Jazz Age stagger home at dawn with champagne on its breath and somebody else’s spouse in the passenger seat. Now. n these postmodern horoscopes, he gazes across the current wasteland, where everyone has a personal brand, nobody remembers a password, and the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock has been replaced by a blinking notification. The eyes of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg are still watching. Unfortunately, this week they are watching you.
♈ ARIES 🔥
You will spend Tuesday pursuing a green light that seems tantalizingly close. By Thursday you will discover it is the charging indicator on somebody’s electric scooter. Nevertheless, you will have learned something about hope, longing, and municipal parking regulations.
♉ TAURUS 🍸
An invitation to an extravagant gathering arrives unexpectedly. Attend, but resist the urge to tell the host that if you have to throw increasingly elaborate parties to attract one particular person, perhaps you should just text her. Moreover, somebody will spill an artisanal cocktail on your shoes.
♊ GEMINI 🎭
Your two personalities finally agree on something: everyone else has become unbearable. This rare moment of internal harmony lasts until Wednesday, when one of you subscribes to a podcast the other one despises.
♋ CANCER 🌙
You will feel nostalgic for a past that never actually existed. This is normal. Entire industries now depend upon selling people imaginary memories of diners, vinyl records, Polaroid cameras, and summers during which nobody apparently perspired.
♌ LEO 🥂
You enter a room expecting everyone to notice. They do, but only because you are standing in front of the Wi-Fi router. Enjoy the attention. Gatsby needed a mansion, an orchestra, and several hundred strangers to achieve approximately the same result.
♍ VIRGO 📋 You will attempt to impose order upon chaos by creating a spreadsheet. Chaos will respond by adding three columns you do not understand. Dr. Eckleburg has watched civilizations rise and fall and can confirm that none was saved by conditional formatting.
♎ LIBRA ⚖️
A difficult choice awaits: the thing you genuinely want or the thing that will look better when described to other people. The stars decline to intervene. They have watched the postmodern age long enough to know which one you are going to choose.
♏ SCORPIO 🦂
Someone from your past will reappear. Before assigning cosmic significance to this event, ask if they are trying to sell you something. Not every boat against the current is borne back ceaselessly into the past. Some are just LinkedIn requests.
♐ SAGITTARIUS 🏹 You crave escape. Travel beckons. Adventure calls. Unfortunately, the airline would like another $84 if you intend to bring clothing. Your romantic flight toward the horizon will therefore begin at Boarding Group 7 beside a man eating an egg salad sandwich.
♑ CAPRICORN 💼
Your relentless pursuit of success brings you closer to the summit, where you discover six people making more money than you by explaining success on YouTube. Resist the urge to start a channel. Dr. Eckleburg can see where this ends.
♒ AQUARIUS 📱You will develop an unconventional idea that challenges society’s assumptions. Within forty-eight hours it will become a TikTok trend, a newsletter, three podcasts, and a $29.95 T-shirt. Congratulations. You have personally witnessed the life cycle of originality.
♓ PISCES 🌊 The green light at the end of Daisy’s dock shines especially brightly for you this week. Swim toward it if you must. Dream. Believe. Reach for the impossible. Just understand that when you finally arrive, Daisy probably will not be home and somebody will ask why you are standing on private property.
👁️ Dr. Eckleburg’s Weekly Observation: Once people crossed oceans, accumulated fortunes, and threw legendary parties in pursuit of impossible dreams. Now they refresh the tracking page because their phone case is out for delivery.
Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.