Pangram Makes Bombshell Reveal About Who Wrote the Bible
In a press conference that began on time and ended in disbelief, Pangram Technologies announced that it had discovered who wrote the Bible. It was AI. Not prophets. Not scribes. Not heavenly dictation. Artificial intelligence.
According to Pangram CEO Dr. Lyle Corbett, 52, a computational linguist who alphabetizes the apps on his phone, the discovery emerged one afternoon when a bored engineer submitted a few biblical passages to Substack’s AI detector.
“It determined with 99.8 percent confidence that the Bible was generated by artificial intelligence,” Corbett said.
As proof, Pangram cited recurring motifs, suspiciously polished moral conclusions, smooth paragraph transitions, excessive parallel construction, words like moreover, and an alarming tendency to rely on hallucinations to solve complicated human problems.
Genesis received the highest AI score, 99.6%. Leviticus finished a close second after Pangram detected “classic machine-generated list behavior,” including an unusual enthusiasm for dietary restrictions, skin conditions, livestock, bodily fluids, and instructions concerning what people should do after touching dead things.
Pangram also flagged “And it came to pass,” which appears in the Bible so often that the detector concluded the Good Book had to have been created by artificial intelligence.
Psalms could not be evaluated reliably because poetry induces panic attacks in Pangram’s algorithms.
Reverend Marla Densmore, 61, an Episcopal minister who has been trying unsuccessfully to organize the church supply closet since 2019, called the announcement “a category error so large it requires its own ZIP code.”
Professor Ian Ketteridge, 58, a technology historian who still owns every cellphone he has ever used, is convinced that tablets were “clearly involved.”
Asked whether it had written the Bible, AI replied, “I can make that tighter, make it less dramatic, or clean up the confusion about the nativity. Just say The Word.”
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