Presenting Your Retreaded Horoscopes

Retreaded horoscopes are this week’s answer to rising celestial costs and a dire shortage of original human ehavior. Previously issued predictions have been inspected for excessive wear, reassigned where necessary, and certified to contain at least 40 percent usable destiny. Some may show signs of earlier ownership. This will not affect performance because, frankly, neither did the old ones.

♈ Aries 🔥This horoscope was originally presented to  Sagittarius in March 2019, but management believes you are now emotionally qualified for it. An impulsive decision involving money will seem inspired for approximately eleven minutes. Someone will advise caution. You will interpret this as jealousy.

♉ Taurus 🛋️Your prediction has been recovered from a 2017 horoscope titled Unexpected Changes Ahead. You ignored the changes then and are expected to ignore them now. Wednesday brings an opportunity to reconsider a long-held opinion. You will buy something comfortable instead and wait for the opportunity to leave.

♊ Gemini 🎭This horoscope was previously issued to Libra but returned because it contained two conflicting pieces of advice. Naturally, it is perfect for you. Follow your instincts Tuesday unless your instincts suggest something unpleasant, in which case follow your other instincts. By Friday you will have explained both decisions convincingly.

♋ Cancer 🦀We found this prediction behind a filing cabinet at Astrology Headquarters: Someone from your past will return. Records indicate we have issued it to you seven times already. Statistically, somebody eventually has to come back, even if it is only the plumber.

♌ Leo 🦁Your horoscope has been lightly used and professionally detailed. Recognition is coming your way. Unfortunately, the original paperwork does not specify recognition for what. Accept advice  cautiously this week, particularly from people who begin by saying, “I have been meaning to talk to you about something.”

♍ Virgo 📋Your horoscope has been refurbished using certified pre-owned celestial material. You will attempt to organize something nobody asked you to organize, discover three unrelated problems, and spend Tuesday correcting them. This prediction carries a thirty-day limited warranty against spontaneity.

♎ Libra ⚖️This forecast has already served two Geminis and one indecisive Capricorn: A difficult choice lies ahead. You will carefully consider both alternatives, solicit three opinions, construct a mental spreadsheet, and finally choose whichever option becomes mandatory because you waited too long.

♏ Scorpio 🦂We have reissued your 2021 warning about “hidden motives” because you seemed to enjoy it so much the first time. Someone will behave completely normally on Thursday. You will regard this as suspicious. Further investigation will reveal nothing, which will make the whole thing even more suspicious.

♐ Sagittarius 🏹Your horoscope has 63,000 cosmic miles but plenty of tread remaining. Adventure awaits. Previous owners discovered that “adventure” included a delayed flight, a wrong turn, and lunch at a gas station. Nevertheless, you will call the experience “actually kind of fun” until approximately three hours after returning home.

♑ Capricorn 🐐This is the same financial horoscope we gave you in 2018: A new opportunity could improve your material circumstances. You will research it thoroughly, identify six potential drawbacks, calculate the tax consequences, and decide against it. We plan to offer it to you again in 2034.

♒ Aquarius 🛸Your prediction was originally written for an experimental thirteenth zodiac sign that never received regulatory approval. You will have an unusual idea Tuesday and become irritated when nobody immediately understands it. By Thursday someone else will suggest essentially the same thing. Everyone will love it.

♓ Pisces 🐟We scraped the lettering off an old Leo horoscope and gave it to you: Trust your inner voice. Unfortunately, your inner voice has recently been subcontracting to anxiety, nostalgia, and a person you have not spoken to since 1996. Consult all three, then do whatever you were going to do anyway.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.