Signs the Apocalypse Has Been Rescheduled

For centuries, humanity assumed the apocalypse would arrive as predicted, destroy civilization, and leave the survivors fighting over canned peaches. Increasingly, however, evidence suggests the apocalypse has been rescheduled, possibly because the original one conflicted with several major sporting events and a regional sales conference.

The first sign the apocalypse date was rescheduled came when the Four Horsemen stopped asking for directions.

“They were here last week, but they seemed to be killing time,” said Leonard Voss, 58, a municipal parking-enforcement officer who keeps emergency mustard in his glove compartment.

Voss spotted four unusually pale riders outside a Wawa, where one purchased a soft pretzel while the others remained mounted.

“Nobody conquered anything,” Voss said. “One of them asked whether there was someplace nearby to charge a phone.”

Then came the plagues, which have grown noticeably less committed.

Residents of three Midwestern counties recently reported frogs falling from the sky, but only eleven frogs were involved, and nine survived.

“It felt more like a scheduling demonstration,” said Maribel Crane, 44, a dental-office manager who has never finished a cup of coffee while it was still hot.

“We were expecting pestilence. Instead we got amphibians with poor travel arrangements.”

There are also reports that the seas briefly turned blood red, although officials later downgraded the phenomenon to “burgundy” and advised residents that swimming remained permitted.

Meanwhile, the dead have begun rising, but apparently only to verify contact information.

Gordon Pike, 63, a cemetery groundskeeper who owns seven identical navy-blue polo shirts, said three deceased residents emerged last Thursday, checked the names on their headstones, and returned underground.

“One complained his middle initial was wrong,” Pike said. “That was the extent of the judgment.”

Perhaps most troubling, prophets are receiving calendar invitations instead of visions.

Evelyn Marr, 71, a retired payroll supervisor who carries her own salad dressing to restaurants, said she dreamed of seven trumpets, a burning moon, and a giant hand clicking DECLINE.

“The new date was listed as TBD,” she said.

Even the Antichrist appears affected. A man matching several traditional descriptions recently arrived at a hotel in Omaha, learned his reservation had been moved to November, and spent the evening watching complimentary HBO.

The strongest evidence, however, appeared Friday when every clock on Earth stopped simultaneously for one second. Humanity froze. The heavens darkened. A trumpet sounded somewhere beyond the clouds.

Then a celestial voice announced: “Your apocalypse is important to us. Please remain alive, and the next available apocalypse will destroy you in the order your civilization was received.”

For a curated list of Signs&Wonders, click here.