Presenting Your Hallmark Horoscopes

The stars have apparently been bought by Hallmark. This week, Hallmark Horoscopes replace the usual warnings about money, betrayal, poor judgment, or that noise your car has been making since April. Those warnings have been replaced by twelve soothing little messages suitable for embossing on heavy cream cardstock beside a watercolor butterfly.

Nothing truly bad can happen because every disappointment is a journey, every mistake a lesson, and every person who ruins your life is helping you to become the person you were meant to be.

♈ Aries … Sometimes the road ahead is not the road you planned. Keep walking anyway. Somewhere beyond the detour is a gift you never knew you needed, probably because you did not need it.

♉ Taurus … Home is not a place. It is the people who know your heart, share your dreams, and understand why you are still angry about something that happened at Costco in 2019.

♊ Gemini … Never apologize for becoming who you were meant to be. Unless the person you were meant to be has been texting people after midnight. Then perhaps apologize selectively.

♋ Cancer … The people who matter most are never truly far away. They live forever in your heart, your memories, and occasionally your guest room until their condo is ready.

♌ Leo … Shine your light without worrying whether others understand your glow. The right people will celebrate you. The wrong people will eventually mute you.

♍ Virgo … Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful. Sometimes the crooked seams, broken plans, and improperly loaded dishwasher are what make the journey uniquely yours.

♎ Libra … Follow your heart. It already knows where you belong. Unfortunately, your heart has no GPS, retirement plan, or understanding of adjustable-rate mortgages.

♏ Scorpio … Some people enter your life for a reason, some for a season, and some because you made eye contact with them in the produce department and now know far too much about their divorce.

♐ Sagittarius … Adventure is not about where you go. It is about who you become along the way. Still, bring comfortable shoes. Transformation has terrible arch support.

♑ Capricorn … Believe in yourself even when the world seems uncertain. Every mountain can be climbed, every dream can be pursued, and every inspirational sentence becomes more convincing when dreams and mountains are involved.

♒ Aquarius … Be exactly who you are. There has never been another you, and the universe has apparently decided one is plenty.

♓ Pisces … When one chapter ends, another begins. Turn the page with gratitude, carry the memories with you, and try not to notice that the next chapter is printed in a different typeface.

In closing: The stars believe in you. Hallmark believes in you. Your credit-card company believes you can make the minimum payment.

Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.