Horoscopes Archives - Page 3 of 28 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on pop culture since 2004

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Clowns or Mimes?

Marjorie Finkelstein, 64, retired dental hygienist

318 Willow Street, Scranton, PA

Mimes. At least they have the decency to suffer in silence. A clown wants you to participate in his emotional problems while he honks a horn and falls down. I spent thirty-seven years looking into people's mouths. I have had enough forced entertainment.

Raymond Bickford, 51, commercial refrigeration technician

76 Chestnut Lane, Akron, OH

Clowns. You know where you stand with a clown. He has enormous shoes, a drinking problem, and a car full of accomplices. A mime pretends to be trapped in an invisible box and expects applause. My brother-in-law has been doing that at Thanksgiving for twenty years. Nobody pays him.

Sheila Lattimore, 47, assistant county tax assessor

142 Birch Road, Des Moines, IA

Mimes, provided they remain outdoors. I once hired a clown for my daughter's birthday party. He arrived forty minutes late, smelled like gasoline, and asked whether we had a ladder. The children still talk about it. My daughter is twenty-three.

Software update required: Three surreal volunteer programmers troll an icy Icelandic shoreline, maintaining an absurd open-source operating system beneath snowy mountains.

The support forum was surprisingly judgmental.

Horoscopes

🔮 Irregular Horoscopes: Software Update Required

philmaggitti horoscopes 4 months

Introducing the software update required irregular horoscopes, the weekly exercise in pretending the cosmos has a customer service department. ♈ Aries … A pop-up appears… Read More

Message in a bottle illustration of a lone beachcomber discovering a glass bottle washed ashore on a deserted beach beneath an overcast sky.

Hope occasionally arrives with surprisingly affordable postage.

Horoscopes

Message in a Bottle Horoscopes

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 4 months

This week’s horoscopes arrive as a message in a bottle for each sign. A few appear to contain profound insights. Others seem to have been written… Read More

Recognition arrived exactly as promised. Minor targeting issues remain under review.

Horoscopes

Your Damaged Horoscopes, Reduced for Quick Sale

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 4 months

The stars regret to inform you that this week’s forecast was damaged during routine celestial handling. According to the Department of Astrological Maintenance, predictions were… Read More

A woman, illustrating the theme of take pride in yourself. proudly presents a thriving houseplant to a nervous recipient as family applauds in a living room,

"After months of care, dedication, and accidental watering, the plant was finally somebody else's problem."

Horoscopes

Take Pride in Yourself Horoscopes

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 5 months

The stars would like to remind you to take pride in yourself this week because everyone has something to be proud of. Perhaps you completed… Read More

Officials concluded that most forecasts succumbed to overconfidence, poor judgment, or prolonged exposure to other people.

Horoscopes

Forensic Horoscopes: The Coroner’s Report

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 5 months

This week the stars have replaced their normally cheerful predictions with forensic horoscopes. After a lengthy but shallow investigation, celestial coroners determined that all predictions… Read More

Cancellation notices illustration: two debaters accidentally discover they both have excellent points, leaving onlookers confused, distressed, and deeply unsettled.

Experts urge citizens not to remain calm.

Horoscopes

Irregular Horoscopes: Cancellation Notices From the Universe

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 5 months

For reasons known only to celestial management, the universe has begun issuing formal cancellation notices. Some events have been postponed, others have been discontinued, and… Read More

"Your future has been marked down repeatedly and still isn't moving."

Horoscopes

Irregular Horoscopes: Reduced for Quick Sale

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 5 months

The forecasts have been piling up in inventory since February. Intergalactic Management has marked everything reduced for quick sale to clear space for next season’s… Read More

A tense café scene captures a dark-haired woman silently staring down a nervous man, illustrating the discomfort of understanding cosmic puzzles too well.

Understanding cosmic puzzles often begins with someone sweating through a perfectly ordinary cup of coffee.

Horoscopes

Weekly Irregular Horoscopes: Understanding Cosmic Puzzles

T.J. Eckleburg horoscopes 5 months

Human beings continue to consult the stars for understanding cosmic puzzles despite centuries of evidence suggesting the stars are mostly busy exploding silently in the… Read More