Your Damaged Horoscopes, Reduced for Quick Sale
The stars regret to inform you that this week’s forecast was damaged during routine celestial handling. According to the Department of Astrological Maintenance, predictions were dropped, stepped on, exposed to moisture, and briefly stored beneath a leaking destiny. As a result, portions of your horoscope may contain missing words, reversed syntax, unexplained punctuation, and fragments of somebody else’s fate. Experts insist the guidance remains valid, provided you are willing to meet it halfway and supply your own grammar.
♈ Aries … Important this week becomes a thing, although what thing remains under review. Tuesday contains several opportunities and one decorative regret. Forward proceed cautiously unless confidence levels exceed recommended dosage. Small victory near large shrub. Receipt retain.
♉ Taurus … Comfortable situation unexpectedly develops additional situation. Someone whose opinion previously ignored by you now becomes mildly impossible to avoid. Financially, the numbers continue existing. This is encouraging. Possibly. Chair-related fortune improves.
♊ Gemini … Conversation begins normally before becoming entirely composed of side conversations filled with obscenities. By Thursday, you may find yourself agreeing with a position you invented fifteen minutes earlier. Duality experiencing temporary duplication. Please stand by while personality reloads.
♋ Cancer … Emotional weather forecast indicates scattered feelings with periods of unexpected competence. Family matter reaches conclusion, although not necessarily the same conclusion reached by family. Soup plays a role larger than anticipated. Avoid suspiciously meaningful pigeons.
♌ Leo … Recognition arrives, but packaging damaged. Admiration from unfamiliar source may contain assembly instructions. The spotlight remains available, though currently pointed at decorative shrubbery. Remain patient. Applause scheduled pending approval from relevant authorities.
♍ Virgo … System organized successfully. Unfortunately, system now organizing you. Spreadsheet energy intensifies. One minor error discovered, corrected, rediscovered, corrected more aggressively. Friday offers chance to relax, subject to completion of relaxation checklist.
♎ Libra … Balance achieved briefly between competing obligations before a third obligation enters carrying paperwork and a paintball gun. Decision made by you eventually, unless made accidentally beforehand. Universe appreciates your effort and has prepared additional decisions accordingly.
♏ Scorpio … Secret revealed that was not particularly secret. Mysterious atmosphere remains intact through force of habit. Someone mistakes your silence for wisdom. Do not correct them. Wednesday favorable for strategic eyebrow movement and controlled suspicion.
♐ Sagittarius … Adventure located nearby, disappointing everyone who expected airfare. Journey begins with confidence, detours through confusion, and concludes in parking lot of personal growth. Philosophical insight obtained. Warranty unavailable.
♑ Capricorn … Achievement unlocked before achievement properly installed. Work-related objective advances despite several determined attempts to overcomplicate it. Authority figure says something useful and immediately apologizes. Weekend suitable for ambitious loafing.
♒ Aquarius … Innovative idea emerges from unlikely source, namely a circumstance previously classified as mistake. Others skeptical until idea succeeds, whereupon they recall supporting it enthusiastically. Future arrives ahead of schedule carrying Starbucks oeder.
♓ Pisces … Dream unusually vivid and may qualify as unofficial meeting. Intuition functioning correctly despite several warning lights. Creative project swims toward completion unless distracted by shinier creative project. Emotional battery charging… charging… mostly charging.
Find additional horoscopes from the back of beyond by clicking here if you dare.