Bad Habits Horoscopes: The Stars Know What You Did
The stars have been aware of your bad habits, but not in any tolerant way. For ages they have observed the little things you assumed nobody noticed: the refrigerator opened without purpose, the email marked unread so it could be ignored twice, the empty toilet-paper roll left for somebody with stronger leadership skills. This week’s Bad Habits Horoscopes reveal what the stars have written down.
♈ Aries …You interrupt somebody halfway through a story because you already know where it is going. You are wrong. Rather than admit this, you begin telling a different story, louder. Mars suggests listening occasionally, if only to gather information for your next interruption.
♉ Taurus … That cardboard box beside the basement stairs has been there for eleven months because it is a “good box.” You now have seventeen good boxes. Venus sees no immediate need for seventeen boxes. You disagree. By Wednesday, another sturdy specimen will join the collection.
♊ Gemini … You currently have enough browser tabs open to qualify as an archaeological site. Several concern purchases you never made. One contains a recipe you will never cook. Another has been playing somewhere since Thursday. Close them. Or don’t. At this point they may be load-bearing.
♋ Cancer … You open the refrigerator four times without removing anything. Each visit is conducted as though new inventory might have arrived since the previous inspection. The Moon understands hope, but recommends accepting that the mustard, half an onion, and questionable yogurt are not becoming dinner.
♌ Leo … You tell a story you have told before to people who heard it the first three times. Halfway through, somebody says, “I remember this.” You continue because they have never heard the version with the improved ending. The Sun considers this technically a rerun.
♍ Virgo … You correct a typo on a restaurant menu and point it out to somebody who was enjoying lunch until that moment. Mercury warns that no one at the table cares whether vinaigrette has been misspelled. This information will not prevent you from checking the dessert menu.
♎ Libra … You spend twenty minutes deciding what to watch, reject everything suggested, announce there is “nothing on,” then watch three episodes of something you have already seen. Venus would like to remind you that civilization invented thousands of programs specifically to prevent this happening.
♏ Scorpio … You type an angry response, reread it, improve the punctuation, make it considerably crueler, and then wisely delete it. Unfortunately, you spend the next six hours mentally revising the deleted version. Pluto appreciates craftsmanship but thinks perhaps the project is finished.
♐ Sagittarius … You buy something because shipping becomes free at fifty dollars, thereby spending thirty-two dollars to avoid paying seven. Jupiter admires your adventurous relationship with arithmetic. The package will arrive Friday containing the thing you wanted and two things you apparently wanted seven dollars less.
♑ Capricorn … You begin keeping empty jars because they might be useful. Nobody knows for what. Neither do you. Nevertheless, throwing away a perfectly good jar now feels financially irresponsible. Saturn predicts that befote long you will possess enough glassware to open a small preserves business you have no intention of starting.
♒ Aquarius … You leave a shopping cart six feet from the cart return because six feet suddenly constitutes an unreasonable journey. Uranus notes that you walked approximately two miles inside the store, much of it searching for something located directly in front of you. The universe has entered this into evidence.
♓ Pisces … You put something somewhere “so you won’t forget where it is,” thereby guaranteeing that you will never see it again. Neptune predicts forty minutes of increasingly hostile searching followed by accusations against innocent household members. The item will eventually be found somewhere perfectly logical. This will only make things worse.
The full library of cosmic misfires and zodiac malpractice is yours just by clicking here—a link the Surgeon General has not yet condemned.