Sobriety Checkpoint Horoscopes

The stars have established a sobriety checkpoint at the intersection of Fate and Poor Judgment. Every Zodiac sign will be stopped and questioned. Keep your hands where Saturn can see them, avoid sudden movements, and do not attempt to explain why Venus is in your glove compartment. License and registration, please.

♈ Aries: When asked to walk a straight line, you  demand to know whether anyone has ever beaten the course record.

♉ Taurus: Refuses to exit  the vehicle because the seat warmer has finally reached the correct temperature.

♊ Gemini: Provides two completely different answers to the question, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Both are false.

♋ Cancer: Produces license, registration, insurance card, grocery receipts from 2022, and a picture of Mom.

♌ Leo: You assume the flashing lights are for you, so you hold up the line while you check your hair in the rearview mirror.

♍ Virgo: Points out that Officer Kalinski filled out Section Four incorrectly. Situation deteriorates.

♎ Libra: Cannot decide whether to consent to the breathalyzer until hearing what everybody else is doing.

♏ Scorpio: Says nothing. Officer says nothing. This continues until somebody from the next shift arrives.

♐ Sagittarius: Asks whether this counts as an adventure. Is directed toward secondary inspection.

♑ Capricorn: Has license and registration already laminated together. Officer becomes suspicious.

♒ Aquarius: Presents a library card and explains that government-issued identification is “an outdated social construct.”

♓ Pisces: Passes every sobriety test, then drives away with the traffic cone still under the car.

The full library of cosmic misfires and zodiac malpractice is yours just by clicking here—a link the Surgeon General has not yet condemned.