Signs the U.S. Is About to Invade Canada Over the Trade War

Officials in Washington have yet to announce plans to invade Canada, which is exactly the sort of thing Washington would do shortly before invading Canada.

Several warning signs about the unannounced invasion have emerged nevertheless. Residents along the northern border are reporting an unusual number of military vehicles traveling toward Canada. Pentagon logistics specialist Harold Beemis, 48, a one-time forklift salesman who keeps emergency mustard in his glove compartment, dismissed the movement as “routine seasonal repositioning.” He declined to identify the season.

Meanwhile, National Guard armories in northern Michigan have begun receiving large shipments of organic  maple syrup. Federal officials insist the syrup is unrelated to military strategy, although seventeen pallets were reportedly delivered to a National Guard armory that does not serve breakfast.

Another significant  development involves road signs. Transportation crews in upstate New York have quietly begun listing  highway clearances in meters. Nobody has explained why.

The government has also developed an interest in hockey. Defense Department consultant Marjorie Kessler, 56, an actuarial archivist who has not worn matching socks since 2019, reportedly requested a briefing titled “Understanding Icing Without Appearing Weak.” The Pentagon says no such briefing exists, although it declined to explain icing.

Finally, several American weather apps have recently begun displaying Canadian temperatures in Fahrenheit. Intelligence analysts consider this ominous because converting twenty degrees Celsius to sixty-eight Fahrenheit removes Canada’s principal defensive advantage: making Americans think it is much colder than it actually is.

Canadian officials so far have remained calm. Perhaps because they know something. Or because they have seen us drive in snow.

The Pug Bus News Desk contains a curated list here of the best news that is unfit to print.