Presidential Horoscopes: The Stars and Stripes Have Spoken

In this week’s Presidential Horoscopes, each zodiac sign is represented by an American president born under its celestial jurisdiction. The results suggest that naked ambition, questionable judgment, and an inflated sense of personal destiny will serve you as well as they served them.

♈ Aries (March 21–April 19)
Thomas Jefferson encourages you to pursue intellectual independence while allowing someone else to handle the unpleasant work. A domestic disagreement may require a declaration of independence, preferably written in language so elegant that nobody notices your behavior. Lucky number: 1776.

♉ Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Ulysses S. Grant advises perseverance in the face of overwhelming opposition. Your finances resemble a Civil War battlefield, but surrender is not an option. Avoid lending money to charming acquaintances who claim to have discovered an investment opportunity. Grant tried that. It ended badly.

♊ Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Donald J. Trump  encourages communication. He recommends speaking continuously until everyone else leaves. A minor disagreement could become a constitutional crisis if you insist on winning it. Your lucky color is gold. Your lucky number is well done.

♋ Cancer (June 21–July 22)
The taciturn Calvin Coolidge advises keeping your feelings to yourself. A loved one may accuse you of emotional unavailability. Respond with a brief nod, then return to whatever you were doing. Your silence will be interpreted as wisdom by people who do not know you.

♌ Leo (July 23–August 22)
Although Venus promises romantic opportunities, Bill Clinton cautions that definitions matter. A casual workplace friendship could develop into something requiring sworn testimony. Resist the temptation to explain your behavior through elaborate grammatical distinctions. Your lucky instrument is the cigar.

♍ Virgo (August 23–September 22)
Lyndon B. Johnson urges you to achieve persuasion by standing uncomfortably close to people until they agree with you. Your organizational skills will prove useful during a family dispute, particularly if you can secure a majority before Thanksgiving. Avoid conducting negotiations in the bathroom.

♎ Libra (September 23–October 22)
Dwight D. Eisenhower recommends moderation, patience, and maintaining an elaborate contingency plan for events unlikely to occur. A household disagreement may require the deployment of overwhelming logistical resources. Beware the growing influence of the household appliance-industrial complex.

♏ Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Theodore Roosevelt encourages vigorous exercise, aggressive optimism, and speaking softly while carrying something capable of damaging furniture. An unexpected challenge will test your patience. Charge directly at it, preferably on horseback. Your lucky animal is a bull moose with unresolved anger issues.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Franklin Pierce reminds you that not every historical figure achieves immortality through accomplishment. Some simply occupy the office while circumstances deteriorate. Your prospects remain uncertain, but the stars suggest that doing absolutely nothing may prevent you from making matters worse.

♑ Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
Richard M. Nixon warns that your enemies may be plotting against you, particularly those who insist they are not your enemies. An innocent office conversation could lead to an elaborate investigation. Record everything, trust nobody, and remember that deleting evidence often attracts more attention than keeping it.

♒ Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
Abraham Lincoln advises maintaining your dignity while surrounded by people determined to make that impossible. A personal disagreement may divide the household. Your attempts at reconciliation will succeed only after considerable suffering. Avoid theaters, particularly those advertising a special presidential appearance.

♓ Pisces (February 19–March 20)
George Washington encourages honesty, restraint, and knowing when to retire. Unfortunately your coworkers have mistaken these virtues for a willingness to assume additional responsibilities. A financial opportunity may arise involving wooden teeth, cherry trees, or other historical misconceptions. Your unlucky creek is the Brandywine.

The full library of cosmic misfires and zodiac malpractice is yours just by clicking here—a link the Surgeon General has not yet condemned.