HOLLYWOOD – Jennifer Aniston, recently chosen by Entertainment Tonight viewers as the star who best represents American values, held a brief press conference yesterday to thank her supporters “for this meaningful honor.”
Ms. Aniston finished ahead of Reese Witherspoon, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Clay Aiken, George Clooney, Jennifer Garner, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, and Brad Pitt, who tied with Keanu Reeves for tenth place.
Although Ms. Aniston had announced she would not take any questions from the press—and she ignored repeated questions about her plans to marry Vince Vaughn—she stopped as she was leaving the podium when a reporter shouted, “Why do you think Brad Pitt finished so low in the voting?”
“Well,” she replied, “at first I thought it had something to do with the fact that Brad is gay and won’t admit it; but so is Clay Aiken, and he finished higher than Brad. So maybe committing adultery and then lying about it were factors.”
This was not the first time Ms. Aniston had outted Mr. Pitt. In an interview with Vanity Fair last year, she said that she was “dumbfounded” when she saw photographs of Mr. Pitt with his hair dyed “a really gay blond” shortly after the couple had split up. Ms. Aniston said she recalled thinking, “Ohmigod, he didn’t waste any time coming out, did he?”
According to Ms. Aniston, she had suspected for some time that all was not “on the straight and narrow” with Mr. Pitt’s sexual preferences. While refusing to go into detail, Ms. Aniston confessed that Mr. Pitt had wanted her “to dress up like a man” when the couple had sex. Ms. Aniston said she tried to accommodate Mr. Pitt at first, but “some of the things he wanted me to wear were quite uncomfortable—not to mention ridiculous looking.
“I didn’t mind the Village People or The Carpenters CDs, or watching that Kevin Kline movie about the gay high school teacher over and over,” said Ms. Aniston, “but the accessories and props were over the top.”
Ms. Aniston said she finally complained to Mr. Pitt about those “accessories,” but he told her if she didn’t want to “play ball” with him, he would find someone else who would.
“I thought he was bluffing at first,” said Ms. Aniston, “and that his so-called ‘attraction’ to that woman (Angelina Jolie) was just a ploy to get me to put my [breasts] in his milking machine. The next thing I knew, he was photographed playing house with her and visiting a known gay beach in Africa. That hurt, but not as much as the milking machine.”
Although Ms. Aniston struggled to maintain a brave facade in the Vanity Fair interview, she broke down twice during the three-hour session. The first time was when she described her reaction to Mr. Pitt’s new hair color. The second time was when she recalled her feelings upon realizing that Mr. Pitt had contracted AIDS.
“That story about Brad being hospitalized with viral meningitis didn’t fool me,” said Ms. Aniston. “I know what that’s code for.”
Ms. Aniston said that even before she learned about “Brad’s medical condition,” she had forgiven Mr. Pitt and felt no animosity toward him.
“If he found someone willing to do things I was uncomfortable doing, I wish him well. I will always love Brad, funny accessories and all. It did made me sad, however, that he resorted to fathering a child through artificial insemination just to prove his manhood.”
Mr. Pitt, who is currently vacationing in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, with Angelina Jolie, could not be reached for comment about Ms. Aniston’s interview. Mr. Pitt’s spokes-
woman, Cindy Guagenti, issued a terse statement saying Ms. Aniston is “seriously delusional if she thinks Brad Pitt is gay, even though there’s nothing wrong with being gay, of course. Indeed, Brad remains sincerely grateful for the support of his legions of gay fans.”
In other news, Lindsay Lohan’s office confirmed a report that Ms. Lohan was planning to change her name to Lindsay Rose on the advice of her Kabbalah mentor, Madonna Esther.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.