WEST CHESTER, PENNA. – For the most part Tom Cruise sat still and faced the hard questions from Diane Sawyer on ABC News’ Primetime last night. There was no fist pumping or couch jumping as Mr. Cruise fielded one hardball after another from a well-prepared Ms. Sawyer.
Yet despite talking candidly about sex (he’s in favor of it) and Catholic baptism (he’s not), Mr. Cruise declined to answer questions regarding the baby’s name, sex, or astrological sign. Nevertheless, Postcards from the Pug Bus’ astrological research department has been able to confirm that baby L. Ron (or L. Ronnette) will be an Aries if s/he’s born before midnight April 19.
Had Mr. Cruise elected to speak openly about Scientology horoscopes, he would have revealed that they are predicated on the relationship between small appliances and zodiac signs. The founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, believed that the quickest way to get rich was to start your own religion. Second and third on his list were selling small appliances door to door and starting your own astrological forecast. He preached that people should open their minds and wallets to the voices of small appliances, especially if their old small appliances were hissing or emitting sparks.
Fortunately, Postcards from the Pug Bus was able to obtain a current Scientology astrological forecast from a disgruntled former Scientologist whose house was repossessed when he defaulted on his $25,000 auditing pledge.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the L. Ron Hubbard Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life will be gleaming monuments to civility.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the L. Ron Hubbard crock pot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crock pot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win if you become a Scientologist; tails you eat alone if you do not.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): The L. Ron Hubbard Pocket Computer rocks the Gemini world. A 2-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how former lives you experienced, there will always be room for your autobiographical remembrances as long as you are current on your auditing pledge.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Cancerians owe their beautiful skin to the L. Ron Hubbard Electronic Zit Remover. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances on Oprah—with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Don’t jump on the couch without it.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type—Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mae West—an L. Ron Hubbard desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home—his own or his latest model friend’s—without his.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance—an L. Ron Hubbard Dual-Action Self-Cleaning Reading Light and Fish Scaler—will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Association of Parole Officers.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): L. Ron Hubbard Electronic Chopsticks/Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Instead of overdosing on greasy won tons and calory-laden duck sauce, you can knit one and purl two while you’re waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): The L. Ron Hubbard Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies the Scorpio’s passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tri-colored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to convert that important family member or friend.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren’t standard equipment on most blenders, your L. Ron Hubbard model is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election misspells potato in a town meeting.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your L. Ron Hubbard Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. This model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever a spaceship is near.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): The L. Ron Hubbard Clandestine Movie Camera takes the worry out of being far away from your loved ones. Monitor their every move, just as Tom monitors Kate’s, with this tiny transponder that can be implanted anally while the object of your detection is asleep. Unfelt when in place.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there’s an L. Ron Hubbard steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of this steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, the other men in the photo could not afford to pay Washington to borrow his iron.
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