Today’s birthdays: Drummer Tre Cool of Green Day is 47. Singer, game show host, professional Mormon Donny Osmond is 62. Actor John Malkovich and his mind are 66. Actor Beau Bridges is 78. Actress Judi Dench is 4’10”. Actor Kirk Douglas is 103 and still drawing breath despite numerous Kirk-Douglas-is-dead hoaxes. He is not, however, about to become a father again. Film director-actor Walt Disney is still dead.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): After a twelve-course Chinese dinner and way too much distillate, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn’t looking. When she opens “her” cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won $4 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, “That wasn’t really pork.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You become eligible for the Guinness Book of World Records after you consume a life-size sculpture of Miley Cyrus made entirely of Spam. Your relationship with the sculpture’s creator, who spent 120 hours and $19.53 in materials on the project, becomes dicey, however, when she misplaces the verification papers after getting stoned.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): You are puzzled by a recurring dream involving Rosie O’Donnell, a twenty-five-pound birthday cake made of duck pate and white chocolate mousse, the entire field of Democratic presidential candidates, and a ballroom-dancing instructor named Montez. John Malkovich had the same dream recently, and he’s been on MMJ ever since.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): With the advent of the winter solstice, Mercury is seen sneaking from the house of Venus, while Lil’ Wayne sneaks into the house next door. Meanwhile, the queen of torts rules your love interests, and the 6 of confusion programs your dreams. Defer all unimportant decisions until further notice.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You are not the first person to dream you are trapped on an elevator with two guys that have Unabomber labels in their clothing and who fervently believe “the world ain’t worth the powder it would take to blow it up.” You are, however, the only person to have this dream without being on mood-altering medication.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Toward the end of the current lunar cycle you wake up screaming and can’t stop for several minutes. Don’t worry. You are not having an emotional breakdown. There’s a good reason for your hysteria. It wears a “Most Horrifying Home Videos” T-shirt and a mask with a tag on it that reads, “Inspected by inmate #315.”
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): When Tre Cool spun the sacred spliff of wisdom, it stopped on the line between the fire hydrant and the doghouse. The hydrant is the symbol of hedonism. The dog house portends trouble with your reproductive organs. Your next move is critical. If I knew what it was going to be, I’d tell you.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): Although your gemstone, the cow pie, is not so chic as the stones associated with other signs, it has virtues all its own. If your house were built of diamonds, for example, the assessment value would be so high you would probably have to sell off most of the land around your house to pay your school taxes.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend’s friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don’t make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who asks to speak to Al Ninyo. Then let your imagination and your feet run wild.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are nominated for membership in DENSA, an international support group for people whose IQs are lower than the mean temperature of San Diego in February. Your test scores guarantee your membership when you incorrectly identify the Law of Diminishing Returns as, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighborhood.”
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Your life is a closed book. One-size-fits-all clothing doesn’t come in your size. A psychic will try to read your palm, but you are ticklish, and she will cast a spell on you because she thinks you’re laughing at her mustache. Soon everything you eat will taste like macadamia nuts, the first sign of Don Ho syndrome.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): In your quest for tranquility, remember one thing: It looks a lot like amnesia, only brighter and with more texture. Does this mean it has limited fashion applications? Not necessarily, but we certainly wouldn’t recommend wearing it on any formal occasions in months without an r.
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