December 2006 – Page 2 – postcards from the pug bus

Imagine John Lennon

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Imagine there’s no Heaven; it’s easy if you try; no hell below us; above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today. Imagine there’s no countries; it isn’t hard to do; nothing to kill or die for and no religion too. Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say that Read More

News

Poisoned Russian Spy Litvinenko Had Keith Richards Symptoms

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LONDON – When former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko died of radioactive poisoning two weeks ago, his face was a moonscape of festering boils, his eyes glowed in the dark like a cat’s, and his urine sent up clouds of hissing, odiferous steam when it hit the bowl. At first British medical authorities mistook these symptoms Read More

Celebrities

Britney Spears Could Lose Custody Fight

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LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears may soon have the Los Angeles Department of Animal Welfare (DAW) up her recently covered butt. Sources tell our sister publication, Them Weekly, that a case worker from DAW has been trying to contact Ms. Spears since she told her husband Kevin Federline to piss off a month ago. “The Read More

Celebrities

Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn Star in Break-Up 3

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, who would not exist if we hadn’t needed to make them up, have announced to a largely indifferent world the end of their romantic involvement—for the third damn time. At this point like who gives a shit? What free-thinking, self-respecting person cares whether this undynamic duo Read More

Music

Trey Anastasio Booted from Phish After Drug Bust

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BURLINGTON, Vt. – Trey Anastasio, guitarist and founding member of the acclaimed jam band Phish, has been asked to leave the group following his arrest for driving under the influence of drugs, possessing drugs, and driving with a suspended license. Mr. Anastasio, 42, came to grief on Friday when he could not keep his vehicle Read More

Celebrities Politics

Angelina Jolie Tapped by George Bush to Replace John Bolton

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – A beleaguered and increasingly irrelevant George W. Bush has tapped Angelina Jolie to replace John Bolton as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Mr. Bolton, 58, a man said to have few acquaintances and fewer friends in the U.N., resigned yesterday after sixteen months on the job. He told reporters Read More

Culture

The Pug Bus Rips George Clooney, Danny DeVito, Rosie O’Donnell

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LOS ANGELES – George Clooney’s been on the morning squawk shows of late bragging in his insufferably smug-yet-wooden way about how he drank that poor, misshapen troll Danny DeVito under the table last week in New York’s venerable Italian restaurant Scalinatella. That’s some feat, Boy George. You da man! DeVito’s all of four-foot-ten in his Read More

Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan Attends DAMM Meetings

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LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan has attended several meetings of DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers), a former assitant to the singer-actress revealed. In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation with THEM Weekly, the one-time aide said that Ms. Lohan meets with the group three or four times a week in “a couple of clubs” near the Sierra Read More

Music

Britney Spears Releases Twelve Days of Christmas CD

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LOS ANGELES – Britney Spears and K-tel Entertainment announced today that Ms. Spears’ Twelve Days of Christmas CD is now available in most national discount store chains. This pop-disco-devotional work, which will not be sold via television, explores the hidden meanings of the haunting Twelve Days of Christmas carol. “We wanted to do something meaningful and danceable at the Read More