Keister Family Tired of Being Butt of Jokes

LIVONIA, Mich. – Ron and Linda Keister of Livonia have filed a civil suit against their next door neighbor Tim Dryzinski. The Keisters seek $275,000 in damages from Mr. Dryzinski “because he has ignored repeated requests to stop making fun of us and our last name.”

The Keisters allege that Mr. Dryzinski’s constant ridicule–“he even named his new Doberman Fanny Keister“–has resulted in their “loss of stature in the community.” The Keisters are especially concerned about the effects of Dryzinski’s “cheap shots” on their children: Lauren and Ron Jr.

“Imagine having to explain to your eight-year-old daughter why her classmates are always asking her to play pin the tail on the Keister,” said a tearful Mrs. Keister. “Thankfully Ron, Jr., is only two, but I don’t want him going through what Lauren has.”

According to the Keisters, Mr. Dryzinski began harassing them on New Year’s Day 2018 when he left a message on their answering machine asking if Ron Keister wanted to come over to watch the toilet bowl on Mr. Dryzinski’s 72-inch HDTV.

“Since then,” said Mr. Keister, an accountant with Toomer and Roth, “Dryzinski hasn’t missed an opportunity to tell people that we’re addicted to cracks or that our favorite beer is Heiniekin or that our favorite dance is the can-can. He even held a Keister egg hunt for neighborhood children this year.

“The final straw came at his Christmas party,” said Mr. Keister. “Dryzinski promised not to make fun of us, so we went. Then, as soon as we got there, he said, ‘Hey, everybody, the tools from next door are here.’ When I reminded him of his promise, he laughed and said that he had been speaking tongue in cheek.”

Mr. Dryzinski, a self-employed tattoo artist, reacted to the Keisters’ suit with a shrug. “I think they’re really making (butts) of themselves,” he deadpanned. “They won’t get anywhere giving me the bum’s rush. They’ve got to learn to put their sensitivity behind them.”

Judd Zimmerman, the attorney representing Mr. Dryzinski, argues that the Keisters “could make this all go away” if they would simply alter the pronunciation of their last name.

“I wrote to their lawyer last week, suggesting that his clients pronounce their name so that it rhymes with blister,” said Zimmerman. “They refused. They’re more interested in salving their wounded pride with my client’s money than they are in resolving this issue. That’s what’s at the bottom of this case.”