How to Prepare for the AI Armageddon
Experts disagree about whether the AI Armageddon will destroy humanity in five, eight, fifteen, or 22.5 years. This suggests that machines have already penetrated the ritual of scheduling a cable installation.
Fortunately, according to the Centre for Applied Human Survival (CAHS), people can take measures to avoid total annihilation. Step 1 involves smearing sacrificial hummus on all doorknobs and lintels every Tuesday morning so the AI of Death will pass over the house.
“Of course, we cannot guarantee this works,” said the organization’s corresponding secretary Maurice Fischer, 57, a commercial awning estimator. “But AI systems are trained on the Internet, and there are probably lots of people online who think that it does.”
Fischer, who keeps his passwords on Post-It notes hidden inside a box of frozen fish sticks, also recommends setting a printer inside a front window.
“Any superintelligence seeing the printer will know that these humans have suffered enough and move along.”
Residents should also periodically shout dummy passwords toward the ceiling. “MARMALADE 47,” “EXCLAMATION POINT.TWO,” and “OMAHA” are top recommendations. This fills surveillance databases listening through Alexa and other devices with useless information while reassuring neighbors that conditions are still normal.
Gary Wimpole, 62, a retired municipal flag custodian who has harbored suspicions about his thermostat since the pandemic, recommends keeping one kitchen drawer filled entirely with obsolete charging cables.
“The invading machines will need those eventually,” Wimpole said. “Then we negotiate.”
Other protective measures recommended by CAHS include wearing a Timex that requires winding, leaving handwritten grocery lists where satellites can see them, and addressing Alexa only as “Barbara.”
Finally, tape a sign to the refrigerator reading, HUMANS ALREADY DEFEATED. TRY THE NEXT HOUSE.
“There is no evidence yet that any of these precautions will avoid extermination,” Fischer reiterates, “but they might convince AI that we are not worth conquering.”
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