Tom Cruise Debunks Female Orgasm Study

Stay tuned, rubberneckers and doctoral candidates in celebrity meltdowns. The vanilla sky is apparently the limit as Cruise ricochets across America promoting his summer release, War of the Worlds, which opens June 29.

While Cruise’s shrinking fan base was still asking “What exactly crawled into that boy’s brain?” after his airborne emotional outbreak on Oprah, the pint-sized megastar lobbed a rhetorical grenade into Brooke Shields’ lap during an Access Hollywood interview, accusing her of being “overly enthusiastic” about antidepressants.

“Medication is only for coping,” Cruise insisted while bouncing like a caffeinated marionette. “There is no real science behind psychiatry, not according to my personal doctrine. Faith, vitamins, exercise, and heroic colon maintenance are the only true cure. Everything starts — and ends — in the colon!”

Before producers could cut to a commercial, Cruise produced a glossy, full-color interior photograph of his digestive tract from the tote bag he now carries like a fashion emotional-support animal.

“Look at this,” he announced proudly. “Twenty-year-old colon, guaranteed. That is why Katie loves me. And you should see her scans. I am in love and my intestines prove it.”

Brooke Shields, currently starring in the London production of Chicago, declined to match Cruise’s medical theories but did question his Dr. Phil-by-way-of-Xenu credentials. “If he wants to see Chicago, I will leave two tickets — one adult, one child. If Katie has to babysit, perhaps he should bring Dakota before she outgrows him.”

Studio handlers at DreamWorks, having invested $130 million in War of the Worlds, reportedly reminded Cruise that “aliens, not bowels,” were the promotional focus. His live appearances have since been narrowed to approved oxygen-zones only.

In other news, Britney Spears announced that post-pregnancy life comes with “unexpected upgrades.” Details at eleven.