Drag Queens Launch National Drag Racing League to Win Hearts, Confuse NASCAR Fans
Special to the Pug Bus from Velvet Crankshaft, Pit Lane Correspondent
Experts are calling it “a cultural coup or the weirdest episode of RuPaul’s Garage ever.” It is the National Drag Queen Drag Racing Association (NDQDRA), formed by a coalition of high-heeled, high-haired visionaries. This bold initiative seeks to Introduce the worlds of sequins and speed to one another.
“Let’s face it,” said founding queen Sheila Blowtorch at a press conference held in a bedazzled pit stop in Talladega. “If the queens don’t come for the gearheads, how else will America ever know the true power of a gender-fluid burnout?”
NDQDRA wants to make drag racing fabulous again. Engine blocks are painted in holographic glitter, safety helmets are equipped with built-in contouring lights, and every track event begins with a ceremonial lip-sync to Tina Turner’s “Proud Mary,” performed atop a moving spoiler.
The NDQDRA is not only about looks. These girls can torque. “Sheila hit 220 in a Dodge Charger shaped like Cher’s right boot,” said team mascara mechanic Buck “Chains” McGraw, visibly shaken and lightly waxed. “I didn’t know if I should salute her or ask for blush tips.”
While traditional drag racers have questioned the aerodynamic properties of four-foot wigs and feathered shoulder pads, early trials show a surprising performance edge: the sheer intimidation factor of a rhinestoned driver in fishnets approaching at 200 mph has forced several veteran racers to spin out, cry, or question their entire understanding of reality.
Though some whisper that the NDQDRA might be an attempt to appeal to traditionally masculine demographics–read “straight, white, unwoke men”– organizers deny any political motive.
“Are we trying to reach NASCAR dads? Maybe,” laughs PR queen Vrooma LaRue, wearing a gown made entirely of recycled carburetors. “But only because we think everyone deserves the joy of seeing someone downshift while simultaneously applying lip liner.”
Still, the campaign has confused the electorate. One recent survey found 23% of respondents mistakenly believed “drag queen drag racing” was a reboot of The Dukes of Hazzard starring Elton John.
The inaugural NDQDRA race, dubbed the “100-Yard Eyelash Dash,” will be held in Las Vegas on a track paved with glitter-infused asphalt. Pit crews will be judged on speed, style, and their ability to recite Steel Magnolias while rotating tires. Sponsors include MAC Cosmetics, Goodyear, and inexplicably, the American Goat Yoga Alliance
.As for safety? “Honey, I don’t worry,” said contestant Clutch von Tuck. “If I crash, I just consider it a death drop.”