Five TED Talks We’d Like to Hear
(But probably never will for reasons of decency, national security, or fear of spontaneous combustion.)
“How to Ghost Your Responsibilities and Still Get Promoted” – A masterclass in strategic invisibility. Learn how to weaponize vague emails, master the art of the “loop-in,” and disappear mid-Zoom while still climbing the corporate ladder.
The Science of Overthinking: Why You’re Still Analyzing That One Thing You Said in 2013″ – Explore how the brain spirals into full-blown existential panic over minor social encounters. With live demonstrations of 3 a.m. regret spirals and audience participation (nervous laughter required).
“Feng Shui for Your Emotional Baggage” – Tidy up your unresolved issues using ancient furniture placement techniques. Learn how to move your shame to the southwest corner of your psyche and balance your chakras with artisanal incense made from your ex’s tears.
Reverse Darwinism: Why the Loudest People at the Party Always Survive” – An evolutionary theory for the TikTok age. Witness how survival of the fittest was quietly replaced by survival of the loudest. Includes clips of mating dances performed in club bathrooms and corporate retreats.
