An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco

Dear Hideous-Looking Tools:
OK, you had your little nude-in last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put ’em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove your stinking business into innocent faces.

Get real, Grizzled Boys. You looked better in your diversity T-shirt and cargo pants than you do in the altogether. Indeed, you haven’t looked good in the altogether since you were a baby, if then.

And you, Wineskin chesticles, did you look in a three-way mirror before you left the house? How could you have missed the image screaming back at you, “Don’t do this to us”? Small wonder that a woman who observed the nude-in remarked, “Where are the supermodel types? Why is it always the people who should not be naked who get naked?”

Why indeed. Is it really a body-acceptance issue, as nude-in organizer, Mitch Hightower, claimed? Isn’t body acceptance a private matter, something that begins and ends at home? Besides, if one accepts one’s body, shouldn’t that be enough? Does everyone else have to accept it, too, even those people at the next table in a restaurant trying to decide what to order for dessert when you and your cocktail frank come strolling in?

If you weigh 275 pounds and you’re only 5’3″ tall, there’s a better chance I’m going to accept your body if it’s got something over it, something like a pretty floral-print tent.

Seems logical to me, but what do I know? I’m not a self-described public exhibitionist, internet porn personality, and adult XXX film producer as Mr. Hightower is. That’s the kind of guy we need shaping the public debate.

Don’t give me that merde about you’re not breaking any laws, either. I know this is San Francisco, where you can walk around naked so long as you don’t spring a chubby or pop a foot-long nipple erection.

Fortunately, Scott Wiener, a city supervisor, has introduced a measure that would prohibit nudity in restaurants and require naked people to put a courtesy towel or other material down before lowering their flabby haunches onto a bench or other public seat.

Again, seems logical to me, but there are people who scoff at the towel idea, saying that it’s “basic nudist etiquette” and that a law requiring it was “totally unnecessary.” Let’s see, rape certainly violates basic dating etiquette, yet few people would be so stupid as to say that rape laws are “totally unnecessary.”

Actually, Mr. Wiener’s proposal doesn’t go far enough. In addition to sitting on a courtesy towel, your basic exhibitionist should have to take the soiled towel with him when he crawls back home.

We hope you have been moved by these arguments, Gentle Reader; but in case you haven’t been, here are ten more reasons why people should not appear naked in public.

10. That mole the size of Rhode Island on your thigh.

9. Sagging flesh is not the window of anyone’s soul.

8. You’re frightening the children.

7. Your hemorrhoids are showing.

6. The wet spot you left on the park bench.

5. Stretch marks.

4. Your backside ain’t a tourist attraction.

3. Your mystery gadget seems to be waving hello.

3.

2. Two words: 46-inch waist.

1. All your hidden tattoos are showing, and they look as if they’ve grown since you got them.

If the unhinged, unconventional ramblings of our fearless editor in briefs fancy your tickle, wander over to our Satirical Commentary page and try a line or two.