(Grab your sponge, clench your jaw, and let the resentment sparkle) Today we honor the ancient art of weaponized tidiness. The sacred ritual of scrubbing your way through suppressed rage and unspoken grievances. This is not just cleaning, it’s catharsis with a Swiffer. Start with the dishes. Slam them into… Read More
(Because salvation is subjective and sometimes comes in 1080p.) Today we cast off the itchy wool of piety and slip into something more comfortable—like shame-resistant loungewear and a remote/browser set to incognito. This is not a day of rest. This is a day of release. National Skip Church and Watch… Read More
(Because unconditional love is no excuse for emotional stability.) Be honest: our pets have had it too good for too long. Endless treats, belly rubs on demand, a complete lack of rent contributions. It’s time to shake things up. Time to remind Whiskers and Fido that reality is a construct—and… Read More
Boundaries are for people who don’t have a story about their rash. Accordingly, we celebrate today those who can’t read the room, the sad souls who treat the office like a confessional booth only with better lighting and coffee. You are the ones who turn “How was your weekend?” into… Read More
Today we honor the brave, the bold, the backscratchers. The people who look a carton of milk dead in the spout and say, “You. Me. Now. No middleman. No glass. No shame.” Furthermore, we should stop pretending this isn’t what the carton wants. It was designed for the authoritative hand.… Read More
There is nothing more spiritually offensive than chickenshit. On God’s green earth, it might just be the least green thing we’ve got. If a person is weak, feckless, and morally gelatinous: he’s chickenshit. If a rule is so asinine that Kafka himself would ask, “Really?”: it’s chickenshit. If a political… Read More
The average American pick-up truck has gained 1,142 pounds since 1990. The average American, about the same. The average Phish tune, in concert, added nearly two minutes around its middle, and personal pizzas got 25 percent larger. Go big or go home: The 11th Commandment writ large. Could the engine driving this Brobdingnagian mindset be tetrahydrocannabinol (THC),… Read More
Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games “to a whole ‘nother level.” In the midst of this maelstrom, like the… Read More
Jean-Paul Sartre observed that hell is other people. Who can disagree? Anyone whose dinner conversation was drowned out by louts sitting three tables away? Anyone stuck in the 15-items-or-fewer supermarket line behind somebody with 24 items in her cart? Anyone needing to use a port-o-potty at a rock concert? Anyone?
In these postmodern times, where civility, not to mention consensus, is a battered artifact of the past, America needs a new vision, a singular, unified point of view. Enter National Solipism Day, a celebration of self in an uncertain world, a holiday dedicated to the proposition that the one truly… Read More
Welcome to the stubborn, dig-your-heels-in celebration of defiance against corporate peer pressure and the tyranny of the “new and improved.” Today we stand tall, defending our perfectly functional cell phones, air fryers, tablets, laptops, desktops, and motor vehicles, refusing to be suckered into an endless cycle of unnecessary upgrades, secure… Read More
The most offensive joke in history, “The Aristocrats,” was celebrated in a documentary film directed by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, the talking member of Penn and Teller. By then “The Aristocrats” was at least fifty years old, and was a legendary after-hours joke that comedians shared but never performed… Read More
There is only one kind of person in the world. He who knows about Schrödinger’s cat, and he who does not. For most of us, however, Schrödinger’s cat is a meme in search of a meaning. Chances are we have seen a reference to this elusive feline somewhere in a… Read More
We fucking love the sound of irregardless. It’s a four-syllable word from the wrong side of the dictionary, we know; but one should never send a three-syllable word to do the work clearly intended for a four-syllable roustabout. Hence irregardless, presented here defiantly without the snooty and predictable [sic]. We… Read More
The Romans had an expression for it . . . “it” being a foul, snot-flinging, food-showing, ass-kicking mood that envelops a person for no reason. The expression was In lectulo surgens sinistram: He got up on the wrong side of the bed. (When Roman women were in a foul mood, it… Read More
