Daily Irregular Horoscopes for July 11, 2025
(The universe folds inward, then mumbles something about you behind your back.)
♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Feelings surface like microwaved lasagna–unevenly and with great potential for third-degree burns. Handle with care and serve with wine.
♌ Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): You radiate charisma today, like a toaster left on in an empty room. Try not to monologue at dinner parties unless you’re also offering snacks.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Beware of mirrors, podcasts, and casseroles prepared by passive-aggressive relatives. Your best course of action: Pretend you’re from another timeline and just got here by mistake. People will forgive your behavior, assuming it’s some kind of time-sickness.
♎ Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You crave balance, yet somehow end up juggling flaming torches while rollerblading across a tightrope of indecision. You are the Cirque du So-So.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Your intensity could vaporize small rodents. Use your powers for good—or at least for dramatic eye contact in dimly lit rooms.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Adventure beckons, but so does that suspicious mole on your back. Flip a coin to decide which to confront first. Neither will end well.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You were born under a constellation that no longer exists. It self-immolated in protest the moment you emerged, weeping and vengeful, into this strange dimension.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Your mind is a kaleidoscope of ideas today—brilliant, dizzying, and potentially seizure-inducing. Beware of trying to reinvent the wheel, especially if you’re driving.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Dreams and reality blur today like a watercolor left in the rain. Make no major decisions unless advised by a talking fish or psychic barista.
♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Today you will boldly go where others have politely refused to go before. Do not confuse confidence with competence, especially when handling electrical appliances or human emotions.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your stubbornness pays off—mostly in store credit. People admire your ability to dig in your heels, even when you are clearly standing in quicksand.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): Your dual nature is particularly active today. Try not to argue with yourself in public unless you’re wearing Bluetooth earbuds to maintain plausible deniability.
