Daily Irregular Horoscopes for Thursday, July 24, 2925
(Brought to you by the number π and the unsettling whisper you hear when the refrigerator hums.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will be mistaken for someone important. Do not disagree. The stars grant you temporary charisma, enough to talk your way into (but not out of) a ponzi scheme.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your to-do list will unionize. Negotiations will involve incense, a rotary phone, and a very smug goat. Call your therapist or your childhood dentist.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): A strange wind follows you. Do not try to outrun it. Today’s lucky numbers are all divisible by regret. Flirt recklessly with chaos—but only if it buys you a drink first.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You will find yourself arguing with an AI over the ethics of soup. Let it win. The real conflict is internal, and also shaped like a duck. Follow it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Spontaneous road trip? Yes. Destination? Emotional instability with scenic overlooks. Don’t let a traffic cone tell you what to believe.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You are the last sane person in the group chat, and that’s saying something. Invest in canned goods, emotional boundaries, and a kazoo. Saturn nods disapprovingly.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Today’s vibe: mildly radioactive. You may hear your plants gossiping. Ignore them unless they mention you by name. Wear something inflatable just in case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will cry at an insurance commercial and punch a metaphor. Normal. Dream journals are unreliable, but today yours might predict a surprise visit from a Victorian ghost. Offer it pudding.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You will develop an irrational fear of symmetrical sandwiches. This is progress. The stars advise you to wear one sock inside out and make eye contact with squirrels.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your aura has the consistency of refrigerated gravy. Someone from your past (possibly a ventriloquist) returns to haunt your inbox. Avoid sentient furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your doppelgänger is making better life choices than you, but don’t panic. Eat a popsicle while making a list of your enemies in alphabetical order. Burn it under a wax moon.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Today you may discover a third nipple or a second opinion. Either way, keep it to yourself. Beware of anyone quoting the Constitution or song lyrics from the ’80s.
(Tomorrow’s horoscopes will be dictated by a malfunctioning Roomba and translated through interpretive dance. Stay unstable.)
