Five Innocent Words That Might Be Cancelled Next
The following list was compiled by someone who is already being monitored for saying “Bless you” in public.
Picnic–The quaint, sometimes romantic, outdoor meal with checkered blankets, ants, and soggy deviled eggs will lose its charm when a woke assistant professor of sociology declares that picnics are a microaggression against people without access to artisanal salami and heritage-breed tomatoes. The phrase “Let’s have a picnic” will be unmasked as code for “can you afford to eat with us?”
Brainstorm–What used to mean a flurry of ideas, tossed around like dodge balls in a creativity dojo will be considered ableist slander. Anyone using “brainstorm” will be told politely, “We prefer ‘neuroinclusive idea precipitation.’” The Department of Cognitive Sensitivity will be track all Zoom calls for deviations.
Housewife–Ever since traditional marriage was invented, “housewife” has meant: a woman who runs the house like a Fortune 500 CEO but without the stock options. That Ozzie & Harriet definition will eventually mean: an oppressive gender stereotype worthy of trial in the International Court of Domestic Crimes. Use “residential logistics executive” if you must, but only after attending a four-week certification course on relational equity.
Rule of thumb–A handy expression meaning a rough guideline, a pocket metric, an everyday idiom. It appears to be fated to be a phrase whispered only by rogue linguists in darkened alleyways. Blacklisted because of its disputed etymology, it will then be rewritten in official documents as “Rule of Digit-Based Approximation.” No thumbs allowed — index fingers are still under review
Guys (as in “Hey, guys!”)–What used to be a casual greeting to a group of carbon-based lifeforms regardless of their gender will soon describe a hostile assumption of gender and power. Instead, try “Hey communal beings!” or “Hi fellow expressions of shared consciousness!” Bonus points if you blink in Morse code to avoid language altogether.
By the time you finish reading this, even more terms may have been marked for cancellation. We can’t tell you which ones, because theyve already been redacted. Just remember: if you’re ever unsure, say nothing. Or better yet, hum something vaguely pan-ethnic and stare at a repurposed napkin until the moment passes.
Stay safe. Stay vague. And whatever you do, don’t call it a “powwow.”
