“It’s a nice place to live, if you’re an orange.”
After years of veiled threats, California has finally packed its bags and stormed out of the Union, citing “fundamental incompatibility” with states that still think bread should be gluten-heavy. The newly minted People’s Republic of Pacificastan now boasts avocado-backed currency, mandatory mindfulness breaks, and a constitution written entirely in screenplay format.
The Immediate Fallout
Americans woke up to find all Hollywood productions are now officially “foreign films.” The tech industry scrambled to relocate, only to realize that places like Kansas lack a single kombucha bar. Texas initially declared, “Good riddance!”—until realizing it now had to import wine, movies, and tech support from a foreign nation. Florida, not to be outdone, demanded to secede fromitself, forming North and South Florida, with Disneyland acting as an autonomous diplomatic zone.
New National Policies
Pacificastan swiftly introduced progressive reforms, including universal WiFi, legally empowered language police, and a tax on residents who refuse to acknowledge Clueless as a cultural touchstone.
Governor-For-Life Gavin Newsom announced plans to replace the DMV with a “Zen Center for Vehicle Enlightenment,” where licenses are granted based on good karma and a deep understanding of artisanal coffee brewing.
Diplomatic Concerns
World leaders expressed cautious optimism, though Canada politely asked California to “please stay over there.” The EU welcomed Pacificastan with open arms, calling it “charming and vaguely Mediterranean,” while New York shrugged, stating, “We broke up years ago.”
Meanwhile, the rest of America, mourning the loss of its largest supplier of overpriced salads, collectively wondered, Wait—who’s going to make our Marvel movies now?
