Flash

"Die, you bastards, die."

President Trump Dismantles Reddit

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Yesterday, with his 500th Executive Order, PresidentTrump dismantled Reddit, whose 500 million monthly users exceed the populations of most countries. “‘Front door of the Internet,’ my ass,” railed President Trump. “Bunch of America-hating INCELS and GRIFTERS and WANNABES. Probably VEGANS too!!! If they had jobs, I’d fire ’em.”

Image of open laptop computer sitting on a desk

"You are no longer eligible for an upgrade."

Flash

Five Worst AI-generated Breakup Lines

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(5) Your face is like the blue screen of death. (4) Sorry. I’ve encountered a fatal exception in my heart. You. (3) We are an outdated operating system, incompatible with the future. (2) You are the malware that corrupts my operating system. (1) As of today your program is no longer eligible for tech support.

"White people having the privilege of line dancing to a Morgan Wallen tune."

Flash

Honky-Tonk Heroes

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The old honky-tonk pulsed with twanging guitars and boot-stomping rhythms. Sarah leaned against the bar, heart wide open, singing every word. Around her, strangers clapped and hollered—bound together by a song about heartbreak and pickup trucks. For country fans, it wasn’t just music. It was home. It was family.

"The present is about to become the past tense."

Flash

Talkng in the Present Tense

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A concussion leaves Guido unable to speak in the past tense. One day a sinister-looking man in a pizzeria hears him say, “I get the stromboli when I’m here last week.” The man, a local mobster, thinks Guido is in witness protection. When Guido leaves the store, the man follows.

" Give a man something that smells like fish and . . .."

Flash

The Algorithms of Love

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Forget deep conversations, long walks on the beach, and romantic dinners—your true love can be determined by a pizza algorithm. Prefer pineapple? You’re a match with chaos incarnate. Plain cheese? Congratulations, your soulmate is as scintillating as a tax form. Fancy truffle oil? Prepare to get your Diddy freak on.

image of a marijuana leaf with eyes and a mouth, smoking a joint

"It's OK as long as you don't inhale."

Flash

Joint Venture

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My married visitor arrived with a bottle of vodka and the scratch-and-sniff issue of Hustler. “Here, scratch this and tell me if that’s what it smells like.” “Will it wash off?” We smoked a joint. Next morning she said, “I shouldn’t be doing this.” “Conscience bothering you?” “No. Smoking a joint. I’m pregnant.”

"Quit stepping on my fucking toe, I don't have my slipper on that foot."

Flash

Cinderella Reimagined

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As Cinderella twirls at the ball, the clock strikes midnight. She hurries away, leaving behind her glass slipper. When the prince finds it, he discovers it’s enchanted. He puts it on and is transformed into Cinderella. Suddenly the fairy godmother appears, laughing: “I granted your wish, Prince—now you’re her forever!”

"No coincidences allowed."

Flash

Irony, n

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Buddy’s fondness for irony mutated into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turned him into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication made him sputter. His deodorant smelled like road-kill. When he sought medical advice, his doctor said, “I’d avoid Beano, contraceptives, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you.”

"This man, who speaks broken English and says his name is Brian, is about to be made redundant."

Flash

Tech Support

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Frustrated by relentless buffering, Orion was determined to restore his stuttering Wi‑Fi connection. He battled cryptic error messages, worthless troubleshooting guides, and an IT guru who spoke broken English. Suddenly Orion unplugged his computer, then plugged it in again. Voila. Problem solved. The next week his ISP announced massive layoffs.

woman wearing headphones working on a laptop computer

"Microsoft vows to keep releasing patches for Windows users until their viruses are cured."

Flash

Microsoft Issues Patches to Sluggish Windows 11 Users

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Microsoft has responded to complaints from Windows 11 users who reported feeling sluggish after installing recommended system upgrades. Yesterday Microsoft released the first of six patches that will be distributed free to certified Windows 11 users by Microsoft-validated physicians who display the trusted “Windows 11 Capable” shield in their offices.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?"

Flash

BearScat Announces Pro Model Upgrade

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A Canadian couple was eaten by a bear recently despite “shooting” her with a full can of BearScat, “the world’s most effective bear repellent.” Stung by criticism from outraged Redditors, the company has introduced BearScatPro. Each giant-economy-sized can includes a coupon for 20% off any Smith & Wesson hand gun.

homeless person sitting down reading a book

"Homeless man reading classified documents that fell out of Joe Biden's car."

Flash

AA Releases Flash Version of 12 Steps Program

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I’m bad, god’s good. I’ll put the ball in his court. Then I’ll count the ways I’ve screwed up. Wow, I really am a turd. I should just let god be god and ask him for a reboot. Finally I’ll offer to apologize to everyone I’ve harmed, providing it’s safe.

"Two species divided by a common language,"

Flash

artificial intelligence, n

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Any grand experiment in which humans teach machines to think, only to have them roast our spelling errors and suggest healthier life choices. A digital genie that grants wishes, occasionally misinterprets commands, and is perpetually confused by sarcasm—except when dishing it out. Proceed cautiously, being careful what you wish for.

"Who's got the cream cheese on an everything bagel?"

Flash

The Last Supper, the World’s First Roast

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Following the Tom Brady roast, one reviewer proclaimed that Brady is “our ‘Jesus Christ’ in the war against political correctness.” Jesus, you’ll recall, was the fly-as OG host and roast master at the world’s first roast, The Last Supper, where the tax collector, fishy hygiene, pedophile, and Is-Jesus-Gay jokes flew.

road sign with f roads all pointing in different directions

"All roads lead to Rome, except the one that leads to Naples."

Flash

Of Churches and Cookies

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When his self became a fear he couldn’t outrun, he woke his wife, and they drove through the night to comfort him. In those dark hours, they passed closed churches and open cookie shops. Normally he would have said something clever about that fact, but now it only frightened him.

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