Monday, April 15, 2024
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Petraeus Says Surge Is Working, Britney Spears Needs More Time

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – General David Petraeus told Congress yesterday that President Bush’s surge in Iraq is working, but Operation Britney Spears will need more time before the fallen pop star can be entrusted with policing her own career.

Meanwhile, said the nation’s top military commander, we must be patient and allow Ms. Spears “the time she needs to recover” before she is “tasked” with managing her career.

It’s still possible to achieve “a positive outcome” with Britney Spears, the general assured members of Congress, “but doing so will be neither quick nor easy.”

That opinion was echoed by Ryan Crocker, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, who sat next to General Petraues during his day-long testimony.

“I cannot guarantee success with Britney Spears,” said Mr. Cocker, “but I am certain that abandoning her or drastically curtailing our efforts on her behalf will lead to crippling internal strife.”

The latest People magazine poll suggests that 60 percent of Americans now favor a timetable for removing support personnel from Ms. Spears’ entourage; 35 percent want to keep supporting her until her situation improves; and 5 percent didn’t understand the question.

General Petraeus admitted that “measurable progress” in Britney Spears’ career has been spotty during the last four years, and she is still plagued by “bombs like last night’s.”

The incident to which the general referred—Ms. Spears’ performance at the MTV Video Music Awards—revealed that she was underprepared, underdressed, and underwhelming, like the forces deployed to protect her, say administration critics.

Moreover, she danced like a creature with unapposable thumbs, and lip-synched like a Ambien-drunk zombie on karaoke night in a biker bar.

Nevertheless, said General Petraeus, the level of “incidents” involving Ms. Spears has declined in three of the last five weeks, and the objectives of the surge ordered by President Bush are “in large measure” being met.

“Our experience in Iraq has repeatedly shown that projecting too far into the future is not only difficult but also misleading—and sometimes even hazardous. We must not make that same mistakes in Hollywood that we made in Iraq and Vietnam and Grenada.”

Democrats, however, were quick to pounce on General Petraeus’ remarks.

“I never supported the government’s decision to take over Britney Spears,” said Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama.

“I said at the time that we didn’t know enough about Hollywood culture or its various opposing factions, nor did we have a plan to win the so-called peace that would follow her occupation.”

In other news, Gerry and Kate McCann told reporters that their decision to return to England has nothing to do with their status as suspects in their daughter’s death and everything to do with the fact that they are running out of sick days.    

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