Tuesday, April 16, 2024
Culture

Osama bin Laden Video Launches September 11 Collection

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Osama Bin Laden has released a popping new video to accompany the launch of his revolutionary September 11 Collection, which hits high-end shopping stalls in Muslim countries on Tuesday, the sixth anniversary of the deadliest attacks on the U.S. fashion industry.

In the video a classically hip bin Laden, sporting a youthful-looking, trim dark beard, is seated behind a banner that reads: “It’s chic to be the sheikh.” He brags about altering the course of American fashion history and warns that the only way to end the face-off in Iraq is for Americans to convert to an Islamic mode of dress.

“Decadent Western fashions are an insult to Allah,” said the world’s most sought after rebel fashion leader. “The sooner America converts to loose-fitting, modest garments, the sooner the war in Iraq will be over.”

Mr. bin Laden provided a sneak preview of his September 11 Collection by morphing his way through four costume changes during his twenty-five-minute video. His ensembles—designed for every occasion from socializing to spelunking—combined soft, muted, organic colors with understated metallic golds and silvers. His penchant for mo-collar shirts and no-socks footwear remained in evidence.

Mr. bin Laden drew praise from fashionistas around the world, not only for his creations but also for his personal makeover.

“The beard trim and Grecian Formula thing totally rock,” said Queer Eye guy Carson Kressley.

“He used to resemble an Amish puppy mill operator with that long, scraggly beard and all that gray in it. This new look makes him seem ten years younger.”

Superstylist to the stars Philip Bloch was over the moon for bin Laden’s white Angora pillbox hat.

“If I didn’t know Sammy better,” said Mr. Bloch, “I’d have sworn he was teasing us with a little gender bending there. You never know what that boy’s going to come up with next.”

Correction: In yesterday’s late edition of Postcards we wrote that none of the four men who have claimed to have had sex with Clay Aiken has ever recanted his statement. In reality, John Paulus, a former army ranger who said he and Mr. Aiken were “good rogering buddies,” did ultimately admit that he had been lying.    

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