Monday, May 20, 2024
Culture

Tony Soprano Will Die in Final Harry Potter Book

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LONDON – According to someone named “Christopher” writing on The Leaky Cauldron website, Tony Soprano will die in the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

“Tony lures Furio Giunta back from Italy in order to get revenge on him,” writes Christopher, “because Tony’s had a hard on for Furio ever since Carmella confessed to Tony that she wanted to jump Furio’s bones.

“Carmella, who ain’t too bright, I gotta say, even though I loved her like a sister, believes Tony when he tells her he’s willing to let bygones be bygones because he needs Furio to whack Phil Leotardo, who leaked a sex video of Meadow and Finn on the Internet.

“Long story short, Carmella talks Furio into coming back from Italy, and that facia brute agrees to stay in Tony’s guest house to keep an eye on Carmella while Tony’s “taking care of some business” in Vegas. Of course the only business Tony’s taking care of in Vegas is that stripper he banged, the one I used to hit before Tony cut me off, the prick.

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“Anyway, Tony don’t go to Vegas. He goes to a hotel in Fort Lee, New Jersey, with these two Asian broads. After he finishes banging them, he sneaks back to his house and catches Furio slipping the meat to Carm.

“Tony fires a few rounds at Furio, only Tony don’t shoot too good since he dropped that peyote with my stripper in Vegas. Tony hits Carmella instead. Meanwhile Furio books, but before he does, he lays a curse on Tony.

“Quicker than you can say stoogatz, Tony’s on a plane to London. When he gets there, he has a flashback, falls down in the tube or whatever the hell they call it, and winds up in Harry Potter land, where he gets offed by one of those fags with a wand for trying to fix a Quidditch game.

“I was a little pissed, myself, because I was figuring to clip Tony, only I was busy with that Hermione chick. I been piping her ever since I got to Hogwarts in the afterlife protection program.

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“It ain’t a bad scene, except the food’s lousy and that Ron dork’s always giving me the eye because I introduced Hermione to the real magic wand. I’m gonna pop that sucker if he looks at me crooked again. He and that mortadell Harry are both gonna buy it. I hope this don’t spoil the fun for any of youse meddigans that take this shit serious.”

J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, was not amused by “Christopher’s” post. In a message of her own to The Leaky Cauldron, Ms. Rowling said she believed that Christopher was actually David Chase, “who has always been jealous of my success.”

Mr. Chase, for his part, told THEM Weekly that he suspected Ms. Rowling had planted the Christopher post herself because she wanted to “put the shots” to the Soprano’s grand finale.

In other news, Christopher Hitchens has challenged god to show up and “debate me like a man” when Mr. Hitchens appears at the Free Library in Philadelphia on May 22.    

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