Monday, May 20, 2024

President Bush Hails Killing of One-Legged Taliban Leader

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush hailed the killing of the Taliban’s top one-legged military strategist, Mullah Dadullah, as a “sure sign” the United States “has turned the corner” in the war on handicapped terrorists.

“In the end, like all handicapped enemies of freedom, [Dadullah] didn’t have a leg to stand on,” said the president as he strode across the White House lawn with a long-absent swagger in his step. “I’ve always said, these folks can hide, but they can’t run very far.”

As so many differently abled soldiers must, Mr. Dadullah was forced to be twice as brutal to be just as good as his fellow insurgents. He liked to joke that he was “busier than a one-legged commander in an ass-kicking contest,” yet beneath that self-effacing exterior beat the heart of a determined killer; and the significance of this fact was not lost on President Bush.

“The killing of [Dadullah] is a crippling blow to our enemies,” said the president, “but we must not allow ourselves to become overconfident. There is still much work to be done. If we don’t fight to make handicapped parking safe in Afghanistan, we’ll have to fight to make it safe over here.”

Part of the work to which Mr. Bush referred is the capture of Mr. Dadullah’s superior, Mullah Mohammed Omar, the Taliban’s leader on the ground. Although no one knows the whereabouts of the one-eyed Mr. Omar, President Bush said the United States remains determined to see his capture through.

“We have our eyes on him,” the president declared. “I’d suggest that he sleep with one eye open if he knows what’s good for him.”

In related news, President Bush said the career of Mullah Dadullah “ironically” validates the U.S. military’s policy of returning amputees to combat service.    

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