Jerry Lewis Apologizes to Illiterates Everywhere

LOS ANGELES – Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday “to illiterates everywhere” for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon.

“I apologize to the fifteen people who were still awake at that point in my telethon, which raised a record $63.7 million for the Muscular Dystrophy Association,” said Mr. Lewis in a prepared statement.

“I also apologize to all those people who didn’t hear my remark but who might hear about it in the future. Everyone who knows me understands that I hold no prejudices toward people who can’t read. Some of my best friends can’t read. Hell, that (gay man) Dean Martin couldn’t read. Unfortunately, in the family atmosphere of the record-setting telethon, I forget that not everyone has the pleasure of knowing me well.”

During the telethon, a sleep-deprived and hyper-caffeinated Mr. Lewis—by his own estimate he was on his nineteenth venti iced latte double espresso with skim milk—was goofing around with his cameraman when he (Mr. Lewis, 81) began to hallucinate. He then started to mumble about the cameraman’s imaginary family members.

“Oh, your family has come to see you,” said Mr. Lewis, speaking to the camera and gesturing vaguely.

 “You remember Bart, your older son. Oh, and there’s Heather, your crack-whore daughter. Who’s that with her, Jesse, the illiterate (gay bird)? What do you call these tools, the Aristocrats?”

Immediately following the broadcast, Kid Rock, current chair of Fun Without Phonics, an illiteracy anti-defamation group, called Mr. Lewis’ remarks, “really dumb” and demanded “an immediate contraction.

Tonight on Larry King Live: The amazing herbal supplement that can double your reading rate, even if you can’t read.