Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says.

“George Bush can send all the little tin soldiers he wants to Capitol Hill,” said Senator Clinton, “but he can’t camouflage the fact that we’re no safer from Britney Spears now than we were five years ago.”

In carefully scripted remarks, General Petraeus told Congress it was “still possible to achieve a positive outcome with Britney Spears, but doing so will be neither quick nor easy.”

According to Senator Clinton, a positive outcome is no longer possible.

“The little general knows it; I know it; hell, Britney’s retarded kids probably know it. Republicans should stop trying to scare voters by holding the threat of ‘crippling internal strife’ over their heads. Britney Spears is already crippled from internal strife, and we simply have to stop wasting time and attention on her.”

The latest People magazine poll suggests that 60 percent of Americans now favor a timetable for removing support from Ms. Spears; 35 percent want to keep supporting her at least until her lip-synching and dancing improve; and 5 percent think she ought to get back with Kevin.

General Petraeus admitted that “measurable progress” in Britney Spears’ career has been spotty during the last five years, and she is still vulnerable to “bomb attacks.”

In the attack to which the general referred—the MTV Video Music Awards, Ms. Spears danced like a creature with unapposable thumbs, and lip-synched like a Ambien-drunk zombie on karaoke night in a biker bar.

In other entertainment news, rap artist 50 Cent claims that Kanye West’s new CD “might be outselling mines in the stores, but mines is being downloaded illegally three times as much as his lame-dick CD. I always knew I had more street cred than that Oreo.”    

If the public pratfalls of Hollywood’s overpaid, virtue-signaling drama llamas make your day as they make ours, check out these Celebrity Shockers — where meltdowns, mugshots, and micro-bikinis collide.