Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Lindsay Lohan Dumps Coke for D.A.R.E.

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HOLLYWOOD – Having returned from the brink of ninety-eight-pound extinction, Lindsay Lohan has agreed to do a public service announcement for D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) that warns of the evils of Coke. The singer-actress, now a radiant 107 pounds, signed on to do the announcement after kicking a yearlong addiction to Diet Coke.

“Things do not go better with Coke,” says a somber Lohan, who filmed her D.A.R.E. commercial in the parking lot of The Ivy restaurant with a can of Diet Coke in her right hand.

“At the height of my addiction I was shotgunning a six pack of Diet Coke a day just for the caffeine rush, and I was drinking another six pack of Diet Coke instead of eating. I was constantly wired; I couldn’t concentrate; my boobs shrank. There’s nothing glamorous about your boobs shrinking, believe me.”

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“Opening a can of Diet Coke, Lohan empties it onto the parking lot, and tosses the can over her shoulder while saying in a voice-over: “If you need help, don’t be afraid to get it. Talk to your personal trainer, talk to your psychic, talk to your high colonic technician, but get help.”

A source close to Lohan says she finally decided to face her addiction after Paris Hilton had arranged a star studded intervention at The Ivy last month.

“We lured Lindsay into the bathroom under the pretext of shooting a few Diet Cokes, then we locked the door,” said Hilton. “I and Mischa Barton, Kimberley Stewart, Tara Reid, and too many famous people to mention told Lindsay that it was time for her to look in the mirror and see what shotgunning was doing to her body.”

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Shotgunning is a technique in which an individual punches a hole in the bottom of a can containing a liquid beverage, places his or her mouth around the hole, then rips the tab off the can much like a soldier pulls the pin on a hand grenade. Done properly, the maneuver causes the entire content of the can to hurtle down the throat, producing an instantaneous rush.

According to a recent editorial in the Chronicle of Higher Education, shotgunning Diet Coke is spreading at an alarming rate across college campuses.

“It is not unusual for college infirmaries to admit sophomore students who weigh less than they did when they were sophomores in high school,” said the editorial. “We hope that Ms. Lohan’s willingness to speak out against Diet Coke will help to turn the tide of this widespread addiction.”

Next Oprah: Shotgun Babies Addicted to Diet Coke    

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