Wednesday, June 12, 2024
Culture

Mariah Carey to Tom Cruise, 2005 Bytes

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WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Not for nothing did Marah release an album this year entitled If You Didn’t Laugh, You’d Cry. It was that kind of year, people, a jingle-jangle phantasmagoria of sights, sounds, and silliness; nonsense, nonesuch, and no-brainers.

I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. Some days art was hard pressed to imitate life, let alone satirize it; but when the going gets weird, the weird get snarky.

So without further au jus we present the first annual Pug Bus Year in the Rear View Mirror. Unfortunately, objects may be closer than they appear to be. Happy New Year to all. May the farce be with you.

January
Mariah Carey Vows to Be More Annoying in 2005
Superdiva Mariah Carey, 34, vowed to regain the Associated Press Most Annoying Celebrity title, an honor that has gone to younger performers the last three years. “We owe it to our fans and most of all to the inner me,” said Carey, who revealed that she had recently hired a first-person-pronoun coach.

February
Gates Gets Knighthood Queen Gets Virus
“Her royal highness definitely began slowing down after meeting Mr. Gates,” said a Buckingham Palace spokesperson. “Today it’s taking her noticeably longer to do the simple things she normally does, like chastising servants and mocking the way Camilla Parker Bowles walks. What’s more, she seems obsessed with sending the same e-mail messages over and over to all the persons in her address book.”

March
Terri Schiavo Diary Mocks Parents and “Those Crazies Outside”
March 24 (Thursday) – Another doofus got caught trying to bring me a bottle of water today. What did that jackass think I was going to do, sit up and say, “Oh, Poland Springs, my favorite. Thanks so much. I was getting a little dry. Where are you from? Would you like an autograph?” I wonder what part of “vegetative state” that bimbo didn’t understand. Is some Kmart in Arkansas missing a clerk? Who’s the brain-dead one here?

April
Rolling Stones Farewell Tour Sponsored by Cialis
According to Mick Jagger, the Stones have just finished mixing their new album, “Wrinkled Fingers.” The band has been accused of making “corporate rock” for some time now, but Jagger insists the new album will hit as hard as anything they’ve done. The album’s fourteen tracks include Sympathy for the Dowager, Gimme Tax Shelter, Time Isn’t on My Side, Limpin’ Jack Flash, Stumbling Dice, Fake Sugar, Waiting on a Doctor, Get Off My Condominium, Girl with the Cataract Eyes, Midnight Accident, It’s All Over Me Now, Under My Thumbnail, Bed Wetting Blues, and The Last Time.

May
Runaway Bride Toast Is Missing
The toast came to prominence when it was offered for sale on eBay. The toast’s amazing likeness to the human Jennifer Wilbanks—right down to her glazed, demented stare—drew national attention from pop art collectors and toast fetishists alike.

June
Russell Crowe Tantrum a Publicity Stunt
“It looked so lame, honey,” said drag queen Velveeta Rose, who witnessed Crowe’s phone-tossing incident. “That sister throws like a girl. She makes Orlando Bloom look butch.”

July
Feed Lindsay Lohan Campaign Gaining Weight
Although Lohan credits her weight loss to an improved training regimen and herbal tea, friends whisper that her ravenous appetite for cocaine and Bontril are to blame. One friend jokes that Lohan has gotten so thin “her breasts are going to show up on the sides of milk cartons any day now.”

August
Jennifer Aniston Says Brad Pitt Is Gay
In her first interview since her breakup with Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston told Vanity Fair she was initially “dumbfounded” when she saw photographs of Pitt with his hair dyed “a really gay blond” shortly after the couple had split. Aniston said she recalled thinking, “Ohmigod, he didn’t waste any time coming out, did he?”

September
Heather Mills McCartney Hopping Mad at Jennifer Lopez
Heather Mills McCartney, wife of former Beatle and current corporate tool Paul McCartney, was hopping mad following a confrontation with Jennifer Lopez’ security personnel at Lopez’ New York office Tuesday. The incident, which left Mills McCartney busier than a one-legged animal rights activist in a butt-kicking contest, began when Mills McCartney, a former model, attempted to deliver a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals video to Lopez.

October
Britney Spears Baby, Exclusive Photos
Neither Spears not her agent returned phone calls over the weekend, but Spears’ sister, Jamie Lynn, told reporters, “Britney is sensitive about how furry little Sean Preston is. That runs in Kevin’s family, though. His mama had to shave his body until he was in third grade.”

November
Paris Hilton Has Car Crash Fleeing Tara Reid
Although footage from an TMZ.com video camera showed a half-naked Hilton sitting on the lap of a man in the front seat of the Bentley, her publicist, Ketsoyan, denied that “doing a Zorba” is a Greek slang term for engaging in a sex act in a car being driven by a man with a jacket over his head while you’re sitting on someone else’s lap.

December
Tom Cruise Pitching Brokeback Mountain Prequel
Tom Cruise, who reportedly turned down the role of Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain, is quietly angling to play Twist’s gay ranch cook in a prequel to Brokeback Mountain called Out Behind the Mountain.    

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