Eight-and-a-Half Indicators That Your Dog Thinks You’re in a Co-Dependent Rom-Com Relationship
You’ve found yourself Googling, “Does my dog love me or is he just manipulating me for liver treats?” Welcome to the parasocial ecosystem of modern pet ownership, where every bark is a cryptic communique and every tail wag is a projected affirmation of your worth.
Forget vague “signs” and “studies.” We went paws deep into the dog park, consulted three pet psychics (two of whom were certified by something called “The Bark Side”), and licked the inside of a KONG toy to bring you this definitive, scent-based scientific report. Your dog thinks you’re in a co-dependent rom-com relationship if …
1. He Makes Eye Contact That Lasts Too Long. Sustained eye contact is your dog’s way of saying, “I’d die for you,” or possibly, “You left your turkey sandwich unattended and I’ve made peace with my god.”
2. He Follows You Into the Bathroom. Not because he loves you but because he’s auditing your flushes. He’s seen the water bill.
3. He Brings You “Gifts.” Dead squirrel on the porch means, “I’m the provider. You’re the TikToker. Let’s re-calibrate this relationship.”
4. He Tolerates Your Acoustic Guitar Phase. Even when you cover Coldplay. Especially then.
5. You Caught Him Creating a Vision Board of Your Face. It includes one of your socks, a Polaroid of your anxious frown, and a chewed-up tennis ball that represents “joy.”
6. He Growls at Your Dates. Not out of jealousy. He’s protecting your emotional credit score.
7. He Sighs Loudly, Like a Victorian Widow. Every time you say, “Who’s a good boy?” for the fifth time in one sentence, he remembers his wild ancestors who hunted mastodons, and weeps for their legacy.
8. He Has a Favorite Netflix Genre. It’s slow-burn Nordic crime drama. He identifies with the bleakness.
8.5 He’s Taken Out Life Insurance on You. You think you’re the one with opposable thumbs, but try hiding your debit card when his BarkBox subscription mysteriously upgrades to “Executive Platinum Plus.”