LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is “really innocent this time,” was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and one count each of armed burglary, conspiracy, and wearing golf shoes in a hotel room.
The charges were brought against Mr. Simpson, 60, after police had investigated an alleged sports-memorabilia sting turned armed robbery turned fiasco that Mr. Simpson is said to have masterminded.
Mr. Simpson, whose first court appearance is scheduled for Thursday, is currently being held without bail.
Although Postcards fully believes that all persons are innocent until they plead to a lesser charge—or a jury of their peers lets them walk just to “stick it to the man”—we could not resist speculating about the reasons why Mr. Simpson committed his latest crime. We therefore present, for entertainment purposes only, the top ten reasons why O.J. did it.
10. Didn’t want the Goldman family getting all the headlines that day.
9. Heard there was a sex video with “me and some smoking blond” in it.
8. Wanted to impress Kato Kaelin.
7. Thought Michael Vick was going to be there.
6. Really believed “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
5. Had a tip that Nicole’s killer would be in the room.
4. Was having a senior moment.
3. Hoped there’d be another cool, slow-speed chase.
2. Two words: dumb-ass clown.
1. Needed material for his new book.
© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren’t looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.