President Trump Wants Celebrity Walk-Out Crews
In a bold, theatrical pivot designed to inject fresh celebrity sparkle into his public appearances, President Donald J. Trump has announced that he will now be escorted to the stage at all major events by a rotating cast of celebrities, influencers, and people he once mistook for celebrities. The inspiration, he says, came from country-pop megastar Morgan Wallen, who is famously walked to the stage by a cavalcade of A-listers.
“If Morgan can do it, I can do it better, much better,” says President Trump. “I’m bringing the biggest stars. The hugest. People are calling it the ‘Walk of Fame,’ and I agree with them, even though I made it up.”
A trial run will begin at next week’s rally in Alabama, where Trump will be flanked by Kid Rock, the MyPillow guy, and a hologram of Frank Sinatra. Barron Trump reportedly declined to participate, citing “homework” and “general mortification.”
Some of the “hugest” stars scheduled to walk out with President Trump at future events include:
Dennis Quaid in a sequined eagle costume.
The ghost of Rush Limbaugh (played by Steve Bannon in a wig).
Roseanne Barr, dressed as the Statue of Liberty, holding a Diet Coke and an NDA.
Ted Nugent on horseback, firing blanks into the air while screaming about “the real America.”
Kari Lake wearing a Bluetooth karaoke mic, singing “God Bless the USA,” off-key but with conviction.
Hulk Hogan in full red-and-yellow drag, repeatedly tearing off Trump 2024 tank tops like a patriotic onion.
Each celebrity escort will be responsible for hype duties: yelling “The Donald!” every ten feet, blocking protest signs with oversized American flags, and handing Trump pre-peeled bananas should his blood sugar drop below “ramp-walking” levels.
The program will culminate in a 2025 event tentatively titled “Celebrity Apprentice: Air Force One Edition,” where finalists will compete to be Trump’s permanent walk-out buddy. Rumored contestants include Kanye West, Tucker Carlson, Glenn Beck, and a life-size cardboard cutout of himself.
Critics have called the plan “bizarre,” “egotistical,” and “frankly, just kind of sad.” Yet Trump remains undeterred: “People love a good entrance. I’ve been making great entrances since I came down that escalator. This is just the next step—on a red carpet, with fog machines, and possibly a bald eagle on a leash. America’s back, baby.”