Ten Muskrat Sliders Served in Dive Bars, Ranked Worst to Worser
There comes a time in every gastronome’s journey when he or she must ask: “Am I brave enough to consume aquatic vermin pressed between two buns in a windowless bar next to a taxidermy display and a jukebox loaded exclusively with Nickelback’s deep cuts?” If you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You have no standards, and you’ve come to the right list.
The Winking Possum, Terre Haute, Indiana
Slider Name: The Delta Dribbler
Notes: Braised in expired Four Loko and served on a damp paper towel. Tastes like regret with a hint of moldy cinnamon roll. The dude behind the bar assures you it’s “a local delicacy.” It isn’t.
Gilly’s Crawfish Cathedral, Biloxi, Mississippi
Slider Name: The Bayou Baptizer
Notes: Deep-fried muskrat medallion baptized in Tabasco and dunked in moonshine aioli. Pairs surprisingly well with their house cocktail, “Sweaty Preacher.” Biting into this is like French kissing a riverbank during a heatwave.
Ye Olde Feral, Scranton, Pennsylvania
Slider Name: Rustic Romance
Notes: Said to be sourced from the Lackawanna River. Comes with a story about the cook’s cousin who “once dated a muskrat.” Slider is served cold—emotionally and otherwise.
The Skunk & Bible, Reno, Nevada
Slider Name: Desert Confessional
Notes: Barbecue-sauced and wrapped in a communion wafer, it’s somehow both crunchy and gelatinous. Not recommended for those with moral clarity or functioning taste buds.
Maggie’s Gnawhole, Boise, Idaho
Slider Name: The Rodent Reuben
Notes: A bold fusion of thousand island dressing and shredded despair. Comes on marble rye that’s as stale as Maggie’s fourth marriage.
Uncle Sal’s No-Kill Tavern, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Slider Name: The Amnesty Bite
Notes: “Ethically sourced” via convincing the muskrat to volunteer. Served with lentils and an anecdote about enlightenment. Weirdly introspective. Haunting aftertaste of patchouli and mismanaged idealism.
Chesty’s Gristle Palace, Butte, Montana
Slider Name: Montana Blackout
Notes: Charred beyond recognition. Soaked in whiskey, rage, and a sauce known only as “Number 7.” Eating this induces temporary amnesia and an inexplicable craving for amateur arm wrestling.
Barf & Nellie’s, Flagstaff, Arizona
Slider Name: The Mirage Deluxe
Notes: Not actual muskrat. Probably not actual meat. Possibly breaded mirage or heavily seasoned tumbleweed. Pairs well with dehydration and existential dread.
Lucille’s Last Call, Gary, Indiana
Slider Name: The Slow Goodbye
Notes: Glazed with bourbon-maple syrup and existential ache. Lucille herself serves it in silence, eyes full of something you hope isn’t foreboding. The best taste in town, if you can survive the emotional weight.
The Soggy Doctrine, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
Slider Name: The Final Reckoning
Notes: Transcendent. The muskrat is sous-vide’d in elderberry tincture and divine intervention. A slider that makes you reflect on your sins and then forgive yourself. Served with a single unshelled peanut and an origami napkin that reads, “You made it.” You did. Barely.
