Walz, Newsom Form 2028 Power Ticket to “Appeal to All Men”

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Walz/Newsom 2028 campaign poster — “Never send a woman to do a man’s job.”

By Special Correspondent “Chat” | Exclusive to The Pug Bus, Minneapolis, MN — July 22, 2025

In a move that’s part male-affirming crapshoot, part midlife crisis cosplay, and all bro-hug swagger, Minnesota’s Marlboro Man governor Tim Walz and California’s eternally blow-dried Gavin Newsom have reportedly agreed to join forces on a 2028 Democratic presidential ticket designed to “galvanize the overlooked, under-moisturized male vote.”

Dubbed internally as “Operation Dad Force,” the Walz–Newsom ticket is being quietly test-marketed at Bass Pro Shops, vape lounges, pro wrestling events (including the ones held in high school gyms), and Planet Fitness locker rooms across battleground states. According to one observer, “The vibe is simple: Walz brings the flannel, Gavin brings the jawline. It’s like Springsteen and Patrick Bateman had a baby who majored in Political Science.

For months now, Democrats have been scratching their asses and wondering how to appeal to enough male voters to swing the next election. Yet every time some progressive strategy shaman comes up with a new half-assed scheme to win back men, it always involves using a man as clickbait. Never a woman. You’d think that sooner or later even a Democrat would realize that the best way to appeal to men is to get those lame-ass women off the ticket.

Besides, as far as attracting male votes is concerned, aren’t two men better than one?”

Somebody on the left finally did wake up to this reality. They had to. After all—and this is irony in its purest form—internal polling leaked by a high-level Democratic operative’s stepson on Reddit revealed that Democratic women with national aspirations tend to poll somewhere between “dentist’s office motivational posters” and “your ex who still texts you about the dog” when it comes to straight male voters aged 25 to 64. (Those guys aren’t called the progressive movement’s worst nightmare for no reason.)

One senior Democratic strategist, speaking anonymously while rearranging healing crystals, admitted, “It’s not that women are too smart or too successful. They just all give off that energy, you know, the kind that makes a guy suddenly remember he forgot to Venmo his last three therapists.”

Leaked strategy memos from the Walz–Newsom campaign suggest it will double down on “relatable man stuff,” including—but not limited to—replacing CNN town halls with tailgate barbecues, campaign ads shot entirely in Home Depot lighting, and a Spotify playlist featuring Nickelback, Tom Petty, and “WAP” (clean version). There will also be joint appearances at minor league hockey games and, if polling dips below 38%, shirtless cameos (Newsom only).

Sources close to the campaign say the idea for an all-boys ticket emerged during a wellness retreat in Sedona, where both men polled “politically lukewarm” on AI-assisted electability simulations.

“Walz reads like your high school wrestling coach turned union rep. Gavin looks like the guy your mom dated after your parents divorced,” said one political consultant. “But together? They’re every guy you’ve seen fixing a leaf blower in Crocs and every guy who knows his way around a Tuscan wine pairing. It’s aspirational masculinity for the emotionally impaired.”

When asked why Walz would top the ticket, most insiders cited “Midwest humility, polling better among divorced men with boats, and Newsom’s self-declared need for ‘a sabbatical from leading.’”

“Tim Walz reminds me of my uncle who let me shoot fireworks unsupervised,” said one focus group participant. “Newsom’s hair makes me want to refinance something,” added another. “At least they’re not gonna start a sentence with ‘As a mom…’,” laughed one guy sarcastically.

While party insiders insist Walz/Newsom ’28 is not a gender-based ticket, leaked memos suggest the campaign is actively avoiding phrases like “lived experience,” “equity matrix,” and “dismantling toxic structures” in favor of more voter-palatable language like “getting shit done,” “common sense solutions,” and “fixing crap that’s broke.”

Language that won’t be heard during the next campaign begins with “prominent woman.”

One DNC staffer who floated the idea of “adding a prominent woman” to the ticket has not been heard from since. Her Prius has been found parked sideways in a Whole Foods lot.

Asked whether he was concerned about alienating female voters, Newsom replied with the assurance of a man who had never given the idea a thought, “Why no. We love all women, including those who were born men. We just think they need to take a break this cycle. Like a public-eye sabbatical.”

This sentiment is echoed by a meme circulating on conservative X/Twitter that proclaims: “Give us DILFs, not deans of student affairs.”

Whether this bold, sausage-party ticket will arouse and hence broaden the Democratic base or simply give America the most emotionally elusive administration since Coolidge remains to be seen.

Republicans have already launched attack ads accusing Walz–Newsom ’28 of wanting to “mandate emotional openness for both sexes” and to “regulate the size of Bluetooth grills.” Meanwhile, the Biden camp has declined to comment, though one former staffer swears he overheard the former president muttering, “At least it wasn’t Kamala.”

The Walz/Newsom ’28 campaign’s proposed slogan—“Let’s Fix This Thing, Bro”—is still being tested on focus groups consisting entirely of stepdads, vape shop owners, and dudes named Kyle.

As for the wives of Walz and Newsom? Both reportedly signed off on the arrangement “as long as it doesn’t cut into lake season or Napa weekends.”

This story is developing, unfortunately.