Your Small Appliance Horoscope for June 28, 2025
Many people know that certain gemstones, power phrases, and colors are associated with signs of the zodiac. Only the true stargazer understands, however, the relationships among small appliances and zodiac signs. If you’re always a few nachos short of a grande, you should open your mind to the voice of the small appliance that rules your universe–especially if that appliance is hissing or emitting audible sparks.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The constellation Amana passing through the House of Proctor and Gamble designates the crock-pot as your ruling small appliance. Unfortunately, the crock-pot signifies both the pleasure of cooking for a family and the loneliness of the mechanized meal. Heads you win, tails you eat alone.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): The Jewel Pocket Computer rocks the Gemini world with AOR sensitivity. A 2-gigabyte memory is standard equipment on this gem, so no matter how often your muse comes singing in the mist, there will always be room for the rhymes she inspires.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22): Cancerians owe their beautiful skin to the Electronic Zit Remover. Blind dates, important job interviews, appearances in police lineups–with the Electronic Zit Remover you can make a smooth appearance whatever the occasion. Nicole Kidman swears by hers. You will, too.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Desk fans are associated with many influential persons. No matter what your Leo body type–Mick Jagger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Mae West&–a desk fan can help to keep you cool. Mick never leaves home, his own or his latest model friend’s, without his.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Your ruling cosmic appliance–a Dual-Action Self-Cleaning Reading Light and Fish Scaler–will become exceedingly scarce and valuable after it is demonstrated by Martha Stewart on a shopping channel segment sponsored by the National Organization of Women.
Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Charlie Chan Electronic Chopsticks-Cum-Knitting Needles are the perfect appliance for Librans on the go. Instead of overdosing on greasy wontons and calory-laden duck sauce, you can knit one and purl two while you’re waiting for your steamed selections from column A and column B to arrive.
Scorpio (10/24 – 11/21): The Mama Corleone Air Freshener and Pasta Maker satisfies the Scorpio’s passion for practicality. You can prepare dinner without worrying that your tricolored tortellini will be compromised by litter box odor while you try to impress that important family member or friend.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Although panic and campaign buttons aren’t standard equipment on most blenders, yours is equipped with them. You will need the panic button when the candidate you support in a school board election misspells potato in a town meeting.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Be the envy of the zodiac with your Elvis Presley Solar-Powered Walking Stick and Eight-Track Flashback. The Gladys model doubles as a dowser that shimmies whenever Elvis is near, say, in a fast-food store or doughnut shop.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Thanks to the Quentin Tarentino Home Movie Splicer there’s no need for cats to suck the breath out of babies any more. Now you can edit the little crumb snatchers out of home movies and replace them with cartoon monsters.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Behind every successful Pisces there’s a steam iron. George Washington, for example, used a crude form of a steam iron to press his uniform before posing for that famous photo op of him crossing the Delaware. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time for the other men in the photo to borrow Washington’s iron.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Your fastidiousness and passion for order are governed by the Sterile-matic Continuous-Clean Toaster. Unlike most people, whose toaster pans contain calcified nuggets with the mineral properties of fertilizer, your Sterile-matic and, by extension, your life are gleaming monuments to civility.
